Okay, I was feeling like cr*p when I wrote that because I was feeling sorry for myself because ever since my Grandmother and Father died 5 years ago, I am like the freaking matriarch of my extended family and around the holidays I begin to get the strong feeling that I have a bajillion dependents (some of whom are very helpful type dependents, I will admit) and nobody upon whom I can depend- no back to lean on. There is something in me that wishes that my H would fill this role on occasion but he is utterly unwilling. When I said something to him about the holidays, just looking for a little bit of support, his reply was along the lines of "I hate the holidays. Let's just not celebrate them this year.". Where, oh Where, is Hank when I need him? I want some sort of stolid husband type who will say things like "You always throw such a wonderful Christmas party and everybody enjoys themselves so much. I'm sure you'll do a great job again this year. How can I help?". I wish there was a website on which I could chat with men willing to provide this type of service. Perhaps, I should start one. I will call it SupportiveAdultFriendFinder. I will match myself up for the holidays with some guy who has a wife who is unwilling to cook a turkey. I will lend him instructions and messages of good cheer as he attempts to do it on his own. It will bring sentimental tears to my eyes when he reports back about how timy Tim said "Daddy, thank you for making the yummy turkey." and how much fun little Sue had putting together the mini-marshmallow and apple turkey centerpiece. (Note: I am also able to provide services of this sort appropriate to more health-conscious bi-coastal types such as yourself. I know how to make ToFurkey and divert conversation away from contentions topics such as the exploitation of the Native Americans vs. the value of traditional holiday celebrations.)
Get your H involved and ask him to deep fry the turkey. It is quite delicious, it is one less thing for you to cook and worry about, and men like doing this because it is a little bit dangerous with a small but real chance of burning the house down. While I am being a bit facetious, it may in fact be a good idea.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
