Babbling on. Another thought I had was how does this tie in with the whole idea of orgasmless touch raising good feelings between couples in the book Corri was recommending. It seems to me that the stereotype is that women mostly want a higher oxytocin to prolactin release mix than men during a sexual encounter. They need/want to be touched more before and after sex in order to be adequately aroused before orgasm or in order to orgasm. They also need more attention or cuddling after sex in order to feel good about the encounter. OTOH, a woman who is a SAHM with three small children may feel completely drained of oxytocin. She is "touched out" and might see any attempt to exchange physical affection by her H as a further demand on her dwindled supply of oxytocin. The offer of a hug is seen as a demand for a hug etc. I think this same phenomena is at play when you have a spouse with depressive tendencies. The low level of oxytocin present during depression makes them unable to feel loving towards themselves let alone others.
Which takes me back to my situation. Two weeks ago my H slumped into depression due to job stress. For several days he was basically impossible to deal with. Then he started taking St. John's Wort and Ginko and improved his mood but not his drive. He became more affectionate but not sexual. When we hit the 2 week mark without sex, I hit the wall and felt a strong urge to initiate sex. Though this was somewhat mediated into the thought "I should engage in open communication about our sexual issue with my H once again (sigh).". So I did. However, once I started talking it was like I could hear myself as the sort of "blah, bleh, blah" noise of an adult talking on a Charlie Brown cartoon and I couldn't go on. I just sort of flopped down and said "God, I hate having to play this role in our relationship.". Then I asked my H what he really expected from me in this situation and he said he wished that I could just be "happy-go-lucky" until we were able to "reconcile" sometime in the future. He then added that he knew that was not something he could rationally ask of me since I couldn't help being who/how I am. The tenor of the whole conversation was pretty calm and respectful.
Anyways, that was Thursday night and we did end up having sex on Saturday. However, this may have been due to the fact that my H sensed the fact that I was mentally working on my post-divorce budget and pre-divorce To Do List. The sex was pretty hot but afterwards my H chose to indulge in a bit of ,IMO, "ordinary marital sadism" by turning on the TV and making multiple comments about how much he enjoyed watching the cleavage revealed by the women on the late night infomercials. IMO this was a typical example of the male tendency to "act like a d*ck when you feel like a p*ssy". My seriously oppositional H was feeling like a p*ssy because he had sex with me because I wanted it, therefore he felt like he was having sex in "loser" mode. Therefore, I pretty much ignored his behavior except to get in a minor jab by stating truthfully that some of the men in the infomercials might be sexually attractive to me if there wasn't complete idiocy coming out of their mouths. Interestingly, he exhibited similar behavior before the last sexual encounter we had before he slipped into his state of angst/depression. He told me that he was planning on having sex with me that evening and he was going to check out the cleavage on the women he saw while he was out and about that day in order to get himself in the mood. I ignored this comment and he felt compelled to come back in the room and give me a hug and apologize for perhaps hurting my feelings by saying it.(Note: It's kind of odd to me that my H is using "cleavage" in this behavior since my cleavage is probably one of the physical traits I am least likely to be sensitive about since I've always had a nice "rack"-LOL.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
