This weekend I read the book "You On A Diet" which attempts to aid dieters by giving them a simplified scientific lesson on how the biochemistry of appetite and the anatomy of digestion works based on current research. The thinking behind the book is that if you understand how your body/brain works then you can develop habits and coping skills that will make you better able to achieve and maintain a healthy weight.
It was interesting to me to learn about the ways in which sexual desire and hunger or appetite are similar. They are both to some extent controlled by the brain chemical NPY which affects the hypothalamus. The author's of the book go so far as to recommend regular, monogamous sex as a weight loss method since satisfying one appetite does actually seem to satisfy the other by reducing the levels of the chemical NPY in the brain. (Thus validating all the food as sex analogies that we use on this BB-LOL).
Anyway, reading this book made me start to think more about the biochemistry of sex and I did some very cursory research on the topic and discovered some interesting things (I'd be thrilled if any of the real scientist types on the BB could correct my errors or fill in any blanks). Basically, I was trying to understand my own typical bad reaction in the past to being sexually neglected/rejected on the level of biochemistry.
A typical bad situation for me in the past would be that a couple weeks would go by without my H initiating sex. After a couple weeks I would feel compelled to initiate myself. Sometimes this would be successful but often I would be rejected. When I was rejected I would frequently cry. My H wouldn't comfort me when I cried and I would feel worse and cry even harder. Finally, I would self-soothe and end up in an emotional state in which I was calmly thinking "I have got to get out of this relationship.". At this point of the interaction, my H would frequently choose to initiate sex. Over the long run, this left me with the belief that my H was somehow turned on by my crying which I found quite dismaying.
Okay, so what was happening to me biochemically? I have found that it is almost a rule of order with me that I will initiate sex if it's been two weeks since I've had it. Biochemically, it is probably the case that my hormonal cycle works to convert excess estrogen to testosterone in a two week cycle. Once the testosterone builds to a high level, I naturally adopt a more masculine behavior and feel compelled to initiate sex rather than waiting around for someone to f*ck me. This makes sense since testosterone is a chemical that makes people feel like being more proactive generally. The byproducts of testosterone lead to feelings of stress (supplementation of testosterone often leads to rage incidents). So being sexually rejected when you are experiencing high levels of testosterone and it's byproducts will make you feel stressed out or angry. However, since I am a woman, I am readily able to release stress hormones by crying (Men simply have less of an anatomical ability to do this. However, they are better able to release stress hormones through sweat.). Unfortunately, the problem with crying in my situation is that the biochemical/social purpose of crying is that you are releasing prolactin in your tears in order to attract another human being to you who will give you physical touch and thereby raise your oxytocin levels. If you cry and nobody touches you, you are left in a bad state in which your oxytocin levels and your prolactin levels are low. You feel unloved and unsatisfied. Therefore, when I got into this state it was natural for me to have the thought "I need to get out of this relationship." which was really me thinking " I need more sex and affectionate touch" which was really me experiencing low prolactin and oxytocin levels.
Another interesting note about prolactin is that studies have shown that prolactin levels are 4x higher after sex than after masturbation. Obviously, oxytocin levels should be higher after sex too since they are linked to human touch. This is why the HD guys on the BB find themselves crying on the massage table the rise in oxytocin levels allows them to release prolactin through tears or something like that. This makes me wonder about all the kinds of sexual/touch experiences that people can have that aren't on the level of experiencing touch/sex with someone you love. Luckily for me, I've only had one sexual experience in my life of the "wham bam thank you m'am" variety. Probably why this sucked was that I didn't like the low oxytocin levels generated by such an activity. When people (obviously mostly women) have sex and don't orgasm they end up feeling more stressed/depressed after the sex then they did before for biochemical reasons. I think this may also be true when people do have orgasms but without building up enough of a supply of chemicals beforehand so they don't feel adequately aroused before orgasming (sort of like trying to flush the toilet without enough water in the tank).
Another question I had was what happens to you biochemically when you interact with other people sexually or affectionately but not actually physically. For instance, do my oxytocin levels go up when someone on this BB gives me a (((hug)))? How much more would they rise with a real hug from that person? If I were to engage in internet chat sex would I release more prolactin than I do when MBing? How much more? How much less than from actual sex?
Another thought. Both the concept of having a "f*ck buddy" and a "cuddle buddy" exist in our culture. When I am turned off at the thought of casual sex, it is usually because I experience a certain amount of stranger anxiety which could be interpreted as a fear of getting my oxytocin levels messed up because I might get f*cked but not cuddled. This is why I am unable to act out the Schnarchian Bar Scenario. It's interesting to note that I have this fear even though I have only had one bad casual sex incident in my life and have found most men to be reasonable affectionate, cuddly and validating even (or perhaps "especially"-LOL)in the context of a one-night-stand. So, if I believe that my ability to act out the Schnarchian bar scenario (not necessarily actually doing it)is what would make my marriage more passionate then is the "cure" for me to develop an attitude of "There are no strangers only friends you haven't met."? Would this be equivalent to telling myself "If you can't get oxytocin/prolactin from the one you love, get oxytocin/prolactin from the one you're with"?
Another thought I had is that most of what we recommend on this BB as GAL activities are activities that might help someone adjust their biochemical levels in socially acceptable ways such as exercise, massage, social interaction, sports. The "problem" with this in the long run, IMO, is that while doing all these things makes you less "needy" for sex because you are better able to self-sooth they actually can make you more "wanty" for sex because they raise the level of "healthy" sex drive or chemicals. For instance, you feel less stressed but more excited. So, I guess what I'm saying is that this isn't really a problem for the HD person who learns to better "hold onto" themselves but it can be a problem for the relationship unless the LD spouse is able to repond in a similar, though opposite, fashion.
In my own relationship, I chose to stop hugging my H because I was getting a frequent "stiff body" response. This was probably messing with my oxytocin levels and making me unhappy. After a while I noticed that he was initiating hugs and other types of affectionate touch more often (though not behaving more sexual)in response to my "no hug" program. Of course, it was easier for me to stop initiating hugs than to stop initiating sex because I am able to meet my oxytocin needs elsewhere. I can cuddle with my daughter or the dog. I can get a hug from my sister or a friend. The best I can do sexually is to MB and I would agree with the study that it is 4x less satisfying than actual sex. Also, it is only during sex with a loving, or at least friendly, partner that I can get that delightful oxytocin/prolactin cocktail combo that I really want.
I'm sure it's all much more complicated than this but for some nerdy reason it makes me happy to consider the problem in this way. So here is the question for any real biochemist/neurologist types who might be lurking around the BB- Could it be that raising value is simply a way of raising NPY levels in your partner and thereby increasing their feeling of "hunger" or "appetite" by making yourself appear more "tasty" and decreasing validation is simply a way of lowering oxytocin levels and thereby increasing your partner's desire for human touch?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
