Value vs. Validation- Mojo's Grand Unified Theory

[MJontheMend]

Fairly cr*p weekend here in Mojoland. My H came home from work Friday evening and started one of his "I hate my job so much." tirades. I find it hard to deal with his "I hate my cr*ppy job" tirades because on occasion in the past these tirades have led to him actually quitting his job. For about 5 minutes I allowed myself to go down my old rut or validation strewn thinking about the matter which goes something like "If he loved me he wouldn't quit his job or make my life unpleasant by threatening to quit his job.". Of course, feelings of hurt and anger accompanied this thought. But, somehow, I managed to push my cart out of this rut and try to examine the issue more rationally. Is it likely that my H's motivation for quitting his job is to hurt me or make me angry? Highly unlikely. Therefore, his desire to quit his job is something he feels in spite of the fact that he doesn't want to upset me. OTOH, my desire to have a marital partner who is bringing in a steady income is something I feel in spite of the fact that I love my H. I also tried to "differentiate" this issue in terms of my natural response about what I felt he owed our children in this regard. Basically, I tried to consider in what ways I was motivated to "control" his behavior around this issue and proceed on the basis that although my desire to control his behavior would be natural, it would be wrong or at least wrong-minded.

So far, so good. Once I had resolved that I had no business controlling my H's behavior, a wonderful feeling of freedom came over me because the natural corollary of my resolution was that my H had no business controlling my behavior either. However, my H was not very appreciative of my fairly cheerful mindset, and he continued throughout the weekend with behavior that could best be characterized as "picking on me". I will admit that I let it get to me a bit but mostly I was able to "hold on to myself" and just respond along the lines of "I would appreciate it if you didn't express yourself in such a disrespectful manner.". Clearly, his behavior was an attempt to get me to validate his desire to quit his job. At one point, in response to some ridiculously cr*bby comments about a minor household matter, I just looked at him and said "I want you to do exactly, precisely whatever YOU want to do because that is what I am going to do myself.".

I was also wise enough not to do anything myself to drag the sex issue into the fray. That would clearly be a lose/lose option for me. IMO, the trap most married or otherwise fused people frequently get themselves into is hitching one issue on to another and ending up with a giant train wreck.

I should add that I did do what I thought I could/should in terms of trying to sympathize with my H's unhappiness with what was going on at his workplace and offering practical assistance. I wasn't trying to communicate "That's your problem buddy." just "Don't ask me to make your choices for you and I'll do the same.".

So, when I say that I had a cr*p weekend, what I'm really saying is that I am faced with having some hard choices or decisions to make for myself. Like "What will I do if my H quits his job?" or "What will I do if my H doesn't quit his job but chooses to mope around in a cranky, LD manner?". As I was thinking about all of this it occurred to me that it might actually be counter-productive to say something like " I will not stay in a sexless marriage." to your spouse because the person you need to say it to is yourself. Not in the form of a mantra but in the form of a question. "Is it the case that I will not stay in a sexless marriage?". By saying it to your spouse, you are in a sense looking for validation for the answer "Yes." from the worst possible source. Any reaction they might have to this statement is going to be a variation on the theme of "No. You are going to stay in a sexless marriage and here are the reasons why in case you have forgotten.". I'm not ragging on LDfolk here. I think this is the perfectly natural response anyone would have in any situation in which they are presented with what amounts to two choices that are both unpleasant.

Maybe I wasn't being accurate when I said that it is counter-productive to say it to your spouse but I guess what I'm asking myself is what is the purpose of saying it to your spouse rather than just saying it to yourself? I think it is wrong-minded to say it just because it might "work" because the fact of the matter is that it won't "work" if you are saying it for that reason. So if it's wrong to say it in order to be manipulative then do you say it simply in the interest of fair warning or fair play, like a parent who says "If you touch the cookie jar one more time I'm going to slap your hand." rather than just slapping the kid's hand. If this is the case it seems to me that it is simply a way to seek validation for being the "good guy" in the situation or transfer guilt as in " I told him 20 times that I was going to leave him if our sex life didn't improve, therefore I am not to blame for the current situation.".

I guess a weak argument could be made that the purpose of actually saying it to your spouse is simply improved communication or honesty. However, this is based on the assumption that your spouse is highly lacking in perception and does not understand you or your motivations. I believe that if you say it to yourself, you will "say" it to your spouse. If you attempt to "hide" the fact that you are saying it to yourself from your spouse then you don't really believe it yourself. Your deceptive behavior is driven by fear which is the product of your indecision "What if you make the wrong choice? Will you be more miserable?".

Back to the original theme of my thread which I still strongly hold to be true. I think if you increase value and reduce validation you will be effectively telling your spouse "I will not stay in a sexless marriage.". If you tell simply say the words "I will not stay in a sexless marriage." and don't increase value and reduce validation, you might as well serenade your spouse with "Mairzy Doats" for all the good it's going to do you. In fact, you'd be better off with the "Mairzy Doats" because at least you'd avoid an unpleasant, unproductive scene.