Here is the thing. It is totally up to you to decide whether good behavior on your part in your marriage is adding value or seeking validation. Your motivation is as much up to you as your behavior but changing one will change the other. It is also totally up to you to decide whether bad behavior on your partner's part is a reduction in value or a reduction in validation. Your reaction is up to you.
For instance, my H was all cranky this morning because I was up first and didn't make a pot of coffee. It was totally up to me to decide whether to take his cranky behavior as a lack of validation (think along the lines "If he loved me he wouldn't be such a PITA") or a reduction in value (think "The fact that my H tends towards crabbiness is one of the things that I do not value about him."). Also, it is up to me to decide whether I see his crabbiness as a request for validation (think along the lines "It is annoying that he feels unloved and cranky simply because I was slightly thoughtless in my domestic attention.")or a request for value (think along the lines "My absent-mindedness does make me a less valuable domestic partner. I should work on that."). It's pretty obvious which thought patterns would best serve my future happiness and the success of my marriage. I am currently happy with myself because I made the right choices this morning and what could have spiraled into a bad interaction ended up being a good interaction because instead of seeking more validation or offering more validation I offered more value (calmly with just a hint of exasperation offered to cook some toast) which caused my H to apologize for his crabbiness give me a hug and actually humorously cop to the fact that his crabbiness was a request for validation by saying "You didn't make me any coffee." in the voice of a whiny baby.
Contrast this with my "bad" behavior that brought me back to this BB. The fact that my H admitted that he had reduced value in the relationship by not showing up for our Wednesday sex date for a couple weeks caused me to burst into tears. My H was baffled by my behavior (as well he should have been) because I was responding to a recognition of reduced value which is in a sense an offer of increased value with an increased rather than decreased need for validation. This was because I valued my delusion that he wanted to have sex with me but was stymied by circumstances beyond his control more than the reality that he didn't want to have sex with me but valued the marriage enough to wish that he had made more of an effort. My delusion or level of denial is what caused me to have an imappropriate and unproductive response to my H's comments.
Therefore, I think both these examples show that being self-aware is critical to being able to add value and reduce validation in your relationship. Anytime you are having a thought that is based more on serving your ego needs than what reality has to show whether this is a bad, offensive thought about your partner or a good, defensive thought about yourself, nip it in the bud.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
