I have re-read this easily 20 times and its finally sinking into my neanderthal brain. Now I have a question. How the heck can you use--
    "I'm never dependent on hearing "Mmm..that was yummy" in order to validate my cooking skills. The fact that I know that most people would find it yummy and/or the fact that I know that I did make an effort to cook something my H would find yummy is enough for me to self-confirm my value as a cook in the relationship."
if you self-confirm value as sexual proweress in this society? [That comes from a father put down in the FOO and a yes, I can get praise from a guy thing I've got.]

Other skills I can do and I can do them for H or another and recieve praise. That skill is reserved for H by various laws and mores.

Therefore--
    " If every request for sex is viewed by the LD partner as a desperate plea for validation no matter what the circumstances or actual mindset of the HD partner might be then what's a HD to do?"
especially when that's what the HD was after with the connection of intimacy and affection assumed.

During a recent conversation H said with a bit more furvor, "Why don't you just get on with it and throw me out?" Then after a couple days when I got my legs back under me again and broached with something to the effect of quoting him and then saying "Even then you throw the descission back in my lap".

    "So how do you get around the paradox that you will increase desire by increasing value but if you increase value in order to increase desire you will thereby exhibit an increased need for validation and therefore make the situation even worse?" Again from MJ's orininal.


BTW altho MJ's theory seems to be a bit convoluted on the surface I think there's a lot of truth in it. Thanks.




Pity me that the heart is slow to learn What the swift mind beholds at every turn. Edna St. Vincent Millay