Value vs. Validation- Mojo's Grand Unified Theory

[MJontheMend]

My bf is also AOS. If I withhold validation, he doesn't come closer, he just ignores me.

You better be validating a guy who always has pie in the house for AOS. I'm sure there are a lot of ladies just looking for a spot to open up at his table. -LOL. Stop validating his low value LD behavior, not his high value AOS behavior.

He may want me, but I have no way of knowing it and there's nothing left for me to do that I'm not already doing that could increase my "value."

Then you need to decrease your validation of his LD behavior. Get out the stick. Of course, his reaction to the stick might inform you of ways you could increase your value though it can be hard to know. For instance, if your BF were to say "I don't want to have sex with you because you wear ugly shoes." this might be a true preference that would add value or it might just be a knee-jerk attempt on his part to reduce validation any way he can to equalize things. Unfortunately, if you have any fear that it may be true that you wear ugly shoes, you will have to once again increase value before you can decrease validation. It becomes real tough if your BF says something like "I don't want to have sex with you because you are too sexually demanding" thus implying that the fact that you are willing to use any sort of stick in order to get sex makes you unsexy. There's nothing you can do about this except recognize that it is just a reflection of the fact that your BF is not self-aware enough to realize that he forced you to bring out a stick because he was not motivated by your jumbo carrot. There is a very strong tendency on this BB (and you can see it in the responses to your post here) to want to believe that just because a LD partner has not responded to your value that they are inherently LD and there is nothing that would make them ever want sex. However, all the actual evidence offered on this BB does not support this. Many LD folk who do not respond to the carrot do respond to the stick and many LD folk who do not respond to the carrot they are currently being offered will respond to a different carrot. Maybe your BF really is turned off by your ugly shoes. Maybe you are unwilling or unable to wear attractive shoes. If this is revealed to be the case then the two of you should be able to have an amicable non-sexual relationship or an amicable break-up as soon as you are able to get over the fused feeling of "He should desire me in spite of my ugly shoes." and he is able to get over the fused feeling of "If she loved me she would buy some attractive shoes.".