As I said in my previouw post, I agree that increasing validation in general increases value. I would even go so far as to say that if you don't validate where there truly is value in your relationship then you better watch out because somebody else will. I'm just saying that you need to decrease validation in areas where you aren't getting value.

I'm not just talking about AOS either. For instance, in one of your recent posts you said that you wished that your H was confident or HD enough to initiate sex even at times when you were being sort of Type 4 moody. You want him to validate behavior that he does not value because you want him to accept you for who you are. This would be like me wanting my H to be HD enough to ignore the fact that I was 20 lbs. overweight. It's easy to think along the lines of "If my partner would just validate me unconditionally then it would be easier for me to add value.". This is true to the extent that people are naturally oppositional and resistant to being "controlled" but it is false to the extent that people are unlikely to change their behavior without significant motivation. You have to be VERY self-aware to avoid this. If your partner keeps offering you carrots no matter what you do it is very easy to forget that they might have a stick too. If your partner keeps trying to drive your behavior with a stick, it's very easy to forget that there must be a carrot in there somewhere for you too or you would be long gone. That's why I'm saying increase value and decrease validation. Keep both the carrot and the stick in full view for your partner and work at being more conscious of the stick and the carrot your partner is holding also.

When you and your H were both adding AOS maybe it was like you were both trying to show a bigger carrot because neither of you were willing to be the bad guy who got a stick. I guess what I'm saying is that in order to have a relationship that is successful in the sense that it is a relationship that is alive and growing and adapting both partners have to be willing to show the carrot and the stick.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver