Cobra, I don't really mean compliments when I say "validation". I'm not doing a good job of explaining myself. For instance, I could say that your anger validates your wife's sexuality and decreases the value you bring to the relationship. It decreases the value you bring for the obvious reason that nobody wants to be around an angry person. It validates her sexuality in two ways. It sends out the message that you find her sexy enough to become angry when you don't get some and it sends out the message that her low drive for you is reasonable because it allows her to think "No woman would want to have sex with a guy who acts/reacts like that.".
I should add here that I don't think that decreasing validation is what will make your partner happier to be in a relationship with you. It will simultaneously make your partner feel less secure (and therefore less happy)and more likely to want to leave the relationship and more eager to add value to the relationship in order to restore a feeling of happiness and security. If you just want your partner to feel happy and secure in the relationship then you should increase value AND validation. However if you want your partner to be motivated to add value to the relationship for you then you need to either add value or DECREASE validation or both. For instance, calmly stating "I will not stay in a sexless marriage" is a way of decreasing validation of low drive behavior. Saying this will not make your partner feel happy. It will either cause them to leave the relationship or add value to the relationship by increasing their sexual behavior.
OTOH, I agree that increasing validation in general is a way of adding value to a relationship and therefore increasing desire. For instance, if a HD person could simultaneously decrease their sexual validation of their partner and add value to the relationship by increasing their validation in other areas.
Cobra, what if the next time your wife turns you down, you were to semi-cheerfully say something like "Okay, I guess I'll just go pick up some porn. Would you like me to pick up any DVD's for you or the kids while I'm out?". One mental 180 I've done on myself is to just think about the ways in which I am better off being the HD rather than the LD partner. As a HD guy you can jack off guilt-free. If you were married to a HDW, you wouldn't be so lucky-(LOL). Another example would be that as a HDW I never have to think "He only loves me for my p*ssy.". Thinking along these lines can naturally lead you into 180 type behavior that will be successful.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
