Quote: What I have done is cut back on my AOS and increased the validation giving, with very positive results. I let him knock himself out and then make an effort to heap on the praise...I have learned to sit back and enjoy his way of giving
(Another of the reasons I identify so much with IHJ!) My bf is also AOS. If I withhold validation, he doesn't come closer, he just ignores me. He really needs to know that I appreciate the stuff he does for me. (This morning he created a low-carb pumpkin pie with a pecan crust because I'm low-carbing. He's always doing stuff like this.) Like IHJ my instinct in the past was to get up and do the stuff myself, but he really LIKES doing stuff for me.
As for what "value" I bring to the relationship... I'm convinced that any desire he might have for me (and I've not seen evidence of ANY for years) is in no way related to anything that I bring to the R. What I mean is there isn't anything else I could possibly do to increase my value-- I'm at 110% in terms of emotional support, bringing important things into his life (therapy, gardening, choir singing), having a great R with his kids, etc., and NONE of that has made him reach for me sexually. He may want me, but I have no way of knowing it and there's nothing left for me to do that I'm not already doing that could increase my "value."
My bf is not susceptible to seduction, overt or covert. I think that comes from the icky feelings associated with his overly seductive mother.
Maybe I'm not understanding the theory, or maybe it doesn't apply to everyone. When I read more of the Passion Paradox I may be able to relate to this better.
