Quote:

yes - and decrease the validation YOU need not the validation you give.



NO! I think you should decrease the validation that you GIVE if you want to increase your partner's desire. If you are giving validation in a relationship in which you feel like you are not getting value then you are just a dishonest wimp in the guise of a nice person.

Consider why many LD people feel more desire during the courtship phase. The commonly espoused theory is that this is due to the fact that the HD spouse was on their best behavior at this time thereby offering more value to the relationship. However, it also is true that during the courtship phase the LD partner feels less secure in the relationship and therefore needs more validation. The amount of validation that the HD partner is offering is not in excess of this higher level of need so the LD partner feels more desire. Anybody, no matter how high their biological sex drive, would be turned off during the courtship phase by a partner who came off as desperate or needy.

Even people who believe that they don't need sex or romance want sexual or romantic validation. LD folk don't want partners who don't desire them sexually any more than HD folk do that is why all these formally LD folk show up on the BB saying "Now that my H has left me for another woman, I find that I really want him." or "Now that my wife left me, my desire has returned.". However, I'm doing the opposite of advocating that you should have an affair or physically leave your relationship in order to reduce the amount of sexual validation that you are giving. I'm saying that you should stay in the relationship, increase the value you are putting in and be "tough love" enough to reduce the validation that you are giving. I know this seems really icky in a way like "playing mind games" or "playing hard to get" but one way to think about it is that if you are the "one-down" or the miserably HD person in your relationship than you are clearly missing some sort of relationship skills and you might need to "play" at being a different sort of person in your relationship in order to gain these skills.

"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver