Mojo, Fran is absolutely right-- I just started reading the Passion Trap at lunch today and within the first couple of chapters he says almost exactly the same thing that you are saying. He also makes the point-- as you did-- that we are too quick to pathologize our interactions, and judge ourselves as sick or dysfunctional, when usually the interpersonal difficulties are caused by shifting balances-- who is currently approaching, who is currently avoiding. In your words, who is bringing value or not, who is validating or not.
He says that whether you're from a totally happy family or a deeply dysfunctional one, balances in your R will change and make you nuts from time to time. He says that people from more stable, "healthy" backgrounds will probably not stay nuts, but will either bail and find a better sitch, or work with their partner to find a solution. The rest of us just keep looking for cheese in all the wrong places.
Again, no one should take my word for it, but should read the book and draw their own conclusions. It seems like a very worthwhile book to me. On amazon, it's only available from used booksellers, so don't expect to find it in bookstores.
