Quote: I'm not clear on the definitions of value and validation.
If your wife is turned off because you are unemployed and 40 lbs. overweight than she is LD due to the low value you are bringing to the relationship. If you are handsome and rich and your wife is turned off because you tell her she's pretty every 5 minutes and you are willing to massage her feet for 1 hour in order to get 5 minutes of sex than you are giving too much validation. Obviously, there is a confusing "eye of the beholder" middle ground so that is why I suggest ratcheting back and forth between reducing validation and adding value. I should note that the point of reducing the amount of validation you offer your spouse is to reduce the amount of validation you need, not to get sex by using a stick instead of a carrot. For instance, if you feel a compulsion to say "I love you" to your spouse recognize that it's only a nice thing to do to the extent that you aren't saying it because you need to hear it in return. Maybe it would be a nicer thing to do to repress your desire to say "I love you" so that your spouse might actually get to feel the desire to say it to you without feeling compelled to do so.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
