Value vs. Validation- Mojo's Grand Unified Theory

[MJontheMend]

I started a new thread because I believe the combination of my recent success and my return to the BB with fresh eyes after being away for awhile have resulted in a sort of Eureka theory that will explain everything about the desire issue.

Assumption 1: There are no inherently LD or HD people. It's all relative.

Assumption 2: For the purposes of my Grand Unified Theory of Desire, I will consider desire to be for the most part a psychological rather than a biological state of being. I make this assumption because there is little that can be done about biology and also due to the evidence of such behavior as LDH's who MB rather than having sex with their HDWs and LDW who do experience high drive during courtship periods.

Grand Unified Theory of Desire

Your partner's level of desire is increased by the "value" you add to the relationship and decreased by the "validation" you seek (and offer)in the relationship.


Therefore, if you are the HD partner and you wish to increase your partner's desire (as opposed to simply increasing frequency of sexual encounters) you must either add value or decrease validation or both. For example, if I make my H his favorite dinner I am increasing value. If I say "Do you love me?" I am increasing validation. If I make my H his favorite dinner and say "I made you your favorite dinner because I love you." I am actually increasing the level of validation even more by linking the value of the dinner to it. I recently noticed that my real life behavior has unconsciouly changed for the better in alignment with this principle. For instance, if I make my H his favorite dinner, I don't draw attention to the fact and if he thanks me for the effort I'm likely to respond by saying something like "That's what I do.".

If a HD individual asks their LD partner "What can I do to increase your desire?" or "Why don't you want to have sex with me?" or "Why do you go all stiff on me when I try to give you a hug?" etc. etc., it is very likely that the answer they will get is either a straight-forward request for more value or a confusing request for less validation. Requests for less validation are confusing to the HD partner for several reasons. Firstly, because it's hard to offer validation without asking for it yourself and it can seem "mean" to not offer your partner validation. Secondly, only the world's most self-aware LD partner is going to give an unambiguous message about needing less validation in order to feel more desire because everyone needs/wants validation to some extent. Finally, the message will be confusing because it's hard to draw a clearcut line between value and validation. So much depends on motivation or assumed motivation. If every request for sex is viewed by the LD partner as a desperate plea for validation no matter what the circumstances or actual mindset of the HD partner might be then what's a HD to do?

Schnarchian philosophy is based on the premise of increasing desire by boldly reducing validation. IMO based on my own experience trying to apply his advice it will always work but only to the extent that you recognize your own value in the relationship because you will only be able to "hold on to yourself" to that extent. Most relationship books other than Schnarch are based on the concept that increasing value will increase desire.

So how do you get around the paradox that you will increase desire by increasing value but if you increase value in order to increase desire you will thereby exhibit an increased need for validation and therefore make the situation even worse? I think what it comes down to is relying on yourself or objective standards in determining your value within any relationship. However, that doesn't mean that you can't try to add value to your relationship in the particular way that your partner would appreciate. For instance, I can go by a personal or objective standard when valuing my cooking skills but I can also go by a personal or objective standard when it comes to valuing my skill in adapting my cooking to the particular needs/wants of my H. I'm never dependent on hearing "Mmm..that was yummy" in order to validate my cooking skills. The fact that I know that most people would find it yummy and/or the fact that I know that I did make an effort to cook something my H would find yummy is enough for me to self-confirm my value as a cook in the relationship.

So, if your goal is to increase your partner's psychological desire, the approach I would recommend is to ratchet your way upwards by increasing value and decreasing validation while staying self-aware. There is absolutely no reason to be angry at your LD partner. You would behave in a similar fashion in any situation in which you had a partner who either did not offer value in the relationship or didn't have the self-esteem to recognize the value that they did offer unless you were self-aware enough to recognize what was going on and stop the cycle from your end. It' harder for me to get a grip on what the LD partner needs to do to stop the cycle but clearly one thing would be to recognize the true value the HD partner is offering beneath the distraction of desire killing validation needs before it's "too late" and the value disappears along with the need for validation.