He brought up to different women who I had had problems with because of his flirting.
ONe he mentioned, I just enjoyed the story didn't bat on eye. The other one a mutual gfriend of ours. He asked if I had spoken to them, and I was like, yeah, smiling. _problem. I'm not going to let him catch me being jealous. No way!
He was no longer arrogant. He was once again, kind, understanding and concerned about the work he's taken upon himself.
When I read over the stages in the Divorce Remedy, I realize how we have been through all the stages now and if we would reconcile we would have a really great time ahead of us.
WL: Please leave this man alone. He is no longer yours. He has made that clear. I hate to say this but you've known it before and just fall back into that deep abyss. Divorce Remedy has you believing it all over again. But its really all about you. YOU contact him. YOU make demands of him. YOU tell him how much he hurt you. But he is just too nice of a guy to take a stand and hurt you more. That is why he lets you come over. He listens while you berate him once more. But he is not making any moves himself.
I thought you were going out with others, moving forward, making new friends, getting a life. Your posts today have shocked me. I don't see that you've got past this at all.
Please go back to counselling. Please get a new apt. Please forget this man. Remember...
If you love something set it free. If it is yours - it will come back to you. If it doesn't - it never really was.
Wow, a lot of action has been going on around here. Phew! Sounds like things have settled down a bit but I do hope that you still keep posting. It's good to journal and I feel it's therapeutic for you.
That being said.
I have read some of your posts. As always, you are very insightful and intelligent. The way you compare certain situations to one another and find analogies for them is pretty cool. You do have a way with words..
So many of your posts reminded me of what I did and said a year and a half ago. Thinking about what XH was doing, wearing, how he was responding to me, etc. I have it all in my journal and on some of my posts. I felt if I were to have him back all would be more complete with me.
Now, we are all different. I am just giving you some of my insight because I made so many mistakes. That is one of the reasons I post. To have everyone learn from my mistakes not just what has worked for me.
One of the best things I have EVER heard was this phrase: "giving someone the power". Whenever I was thinking, speculating, worrying, crying, angry or whatever about my XH, I was giving him the "power." The power of my time, my thoughts, my sadness my life. I realized that so much of my time had been given to him with or without him in my presence. It was awful.
Remember, this is just how I felt and how I react. This isn't directed at you or anyone else on this board. IT's just me sharing an experience. I had other issues such as depression, etc., that I was dealing with, too, so keep that in my mind.
Anyway, when I heard that phrase, giving him the power", I thought, "woa, mama, that as pretty profound". I realized if I had kept a journal of the time spent thinking about XH it it was most of my day. I was not thinking at all about myself and what I WANTED. THe same EXACT thing that happened when I was married. I was in a constant emotional vacuum and my XH didn't even have to be present to do this.
I know that all of our significant others are different. And one relationship is different from another, however, I do think there is some downfalls to some aspects of validating, listening, etc., if your time spent with signficant other is all about them. This is th e GAL thing that is so hard to do. Believe me, I know. Took my a year and a half to finally get that whole concept.
Once I stoppped thinking about XH and what he was doing, thinking feeling, I finally set myself free of the relationship. Sure, I was so so sad that we were headed for divorce and I still hoped for us to work it out at times, but I was so sick and tired of feeling like an emotional hostage. I wanted to live my life for me, not an R that doesn't exist anymore.
You are so on the right track, W.L. You are taking seminars, volunteering, going out, so very intelligent, as far as I am concerned the whole "package". But I worry that too much time is spent on the concept of your R with SO. It just takes up so much valuable time you could be utilizing on channeling your energy elsewhere.
Promise me one thing, W.L. Take all your energy and keep moving forward. I know it's hard. But there are better things out there for you. I am not referring to a better guy since I really don't know SO. I just mean in general. Situations, relationships, etc. Things that will bring out the best and not have you focus on what is wrong with you.
As far as I am concerned, if the guy isn't calling you back, let it be for now.
I went from trying to get XH back to just getting so so tired of all the games. I filed and now am divorced. Funny thing is, that once I channeled all my energy elsewhere, I realized that I had a newfound respect for me that I had lost along the way. XH now has that respect for me, too. The texts are coming in and calls, etc. Now, though, I don't look into it too much but know a new R is on it's way.
Sometimes I think he is trying to DB me. It's really strange. The more he calls, too, the more turned off I get. Roles are reversed now. I saw an old phone bill of mine and I was nauseated over it. The calls I made to him, his family, friends out of desperation were very sad. I knew no other way to deal with the sitch at that time, but in hindsight I know it only hindered our R, not helped it.
I absolutely love when you post me, W.L. And think you have an AWESOME sense of humor. I just wanted to share with you some stories of my days of dbing, etc.
It's more important than ever to GAL and let SO spin. He is in his own lala land still but wants to keep you there in the wings waiting. Take yourself out of the equation for now and see what WONDERFUL opportunities arise once you take focus off of SO. It's UNBELIEVABLE what is out there once you look..
Big hugs, to you, my friend. You will make it through this, that's for sure. Let me know if you need someone to help you along because that is what I am here for.
I went back through and read my threads. I see that I have stated over and over that I think I'm having my own mlc.
I must be. I can see the cycling as I'm sure all you can.
My father died, within months I thought I had a brain tumor, (unfounded) then I was misdiagnosed with cancer, which my father died from. 6months later, ex and I started having problems. I had to deal with all that until finally I left. I remember the replay, travelled all over the country. Then camethe depression.I remember the withdrawl, I went to Illinois and also when I first returned, I just wanted to be left alone. Then came the anger.
SO that's it for the anger. I'm done being angry with him and now I'm just angry with myself. ALready went through being angry at my family. What's next? Isn't it after anger that acceptance comes?
I will leave him alone. Since 10/03 I have made all the initiation.
I read somewhere that anger at yourself causes depression so how about forgiving yourself too. Just in case. I don't know the science but it's in the theology. You are coming along just fine. Wonder
I have followed your posts and I too have been in the same prediciment you have been. I wasn't involved as long with my ex-bf, but I was just as much in love. When we split, it took me 2 years to get over him and then he came back...but things never got off the ground and I was heartbroken again. Deep down, most of us here really miss what we had...and I realized that my ex was not the last man on earth that could make me happy!!! I picked myself up and realized that I had to be away from him or any talk of him 100%. I got on a dating website and met a man who I am still seeing since July of 2005. Let me tell you...at this point you need to really work at opening up your heart to someone else. I realized that my ex was just not the man for me...and he has since met another and gotten remarried. Do I care now? I can honestly say no...in fact, I am completely indifferent towards the whole thing. But had I been in contact with him, I would have never healed. You have to take control of this...and get away from him completely. He has moved on and the more you realize this, you will want to move on also. I wanted to be a stronger person more than I wanted him in the end. And being with someone new didn't hurt either...I am very happy. Not to say we haven't had our ups and downs...but all in all, I am happy and rarely think of my ex. My advice is to stop contacting him and allow yourself to heal. Get out there, do things...and allow yourself to love again. You are really only hurting yourself by contacting him...start loving yourself instead of pining away at what you used to have.
