I finally did it. I looked him up online. Sooooo much stuff came up and photos of him with the new woman etc. He looks happy, he looks fine.
I feel totally isolated and like throwing up.
I don't know this person anymore at all and it totally hurts. They are gone. Just gone. Still here, but gone.
I compare everyone I meet with him.
I guess this was the final line of denial. As much as it hurts, I suppose that's what it's all about? Is that why it hurts so much? Because I stayed detaching and "stop signing it" and being hopeful and now I'm finally accepting it? Hopefully. I hope that is what is happening because that means I can finally move on.
I miss him so much. Will I ever love again? How do I accept this?
He's given me no closure. When I do talk to him I see feeling there, and yet, he is definitly happy in these other photos.
He will never tell me he is done. His place looks a wreck. He has moved on. Totally without me.
I must somehow do the same.
I don't know who I am without this person. I don't know who I am or what I want in my life.
I really was in denial this whole time.
Any life I envision for myself isn't even for me it's about getting him back. I know this isn't right or how it should be.
I'm scared to face the rest of my life without him. And frankly I don't want to.
I feel like calling his mom(I know stupid) even writing any of this stuff is stupid.
I just can't imagine having this kind of connection with anyone else ever. We have so much history, so much in common. We've been through so much.
I guess it doesn't matter. I guess I don't believe in myself enough. My worth, or my value. That's what it come down to, ha?
Anyone that wants to post, fine. Please don't be mad at me. I don't friggin know how to move on, okay?
