This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

Never. Always had anger problems & never dealt w/son well, but not violent. He had told me over & over in August that he had to leave because he was afraid he would hurt me. I didn't believe him.

[brandnewday]

I think this may be a good time to get some councelling for you and your Husband before things escalate.

[InHisHands]

I've tried to get him to go to counseling with or without me, but he won't.

[cat03]

then go alone to learn how to cope w/that, if he won't seek help then for your and your S's sake go honey, obviously he's got inner demons to fight yet.

[oldtimer]

Forgive me, but I don't think it is the right time to worry about counseling. I am surprised and concerned that it does not sound as if you have taken steps to protect your child and yourself yet.

Someone has assaulted your child. Your immediate concern should be to ensure a safe environment for your child. This is your responsibility and your first priority. Deal with your R with your H after you have dealt with that priority.

Best,
Oldtimer

[Mamabear]

Oh boy! When my H was in the midst of his mini MLC he had alot of anger. I suspected that he was really angry at himself but projected it onto me. We had a couple of bad fights where I now have a hole in the bedroom door where he punched it instead of my face. I was very afraid of him.

Luckily he has dealt with his anger and it has not resurfaced since.

Correct me if I am wrong, but don't you work at a shelter for abused women or am I confusing you with someone else? Maybe you need to let H know that punching your son is unacceptable and that he should consider finding somewhere else to live.

I'm so sorry that you are in this mess. Wishing you the best, Mama

[BethJ]

IHH,

My H has had irrational anger since this whole mess began as well. In fact, it could have turned ugly yesterday if I had not walked away. Sometimes I think how we respond to their anger can escalate the tension. I have even seen my H be somewhat abusive to our S11, but usually it is after me expressing my anger over some deed of S11. He always realizes how wrong he was and apologizes to S and me, but it can be scary nonetheless.

Can you give us some specifics on how this happened? Please don't get me wrong - what your H did was unacceptable under ANY circumstances. I just wonder if there are any dynamics going on that may indicate a pattern here.

God Bless,
BethJ

[InHisHands]

There is definitely a pattern. H has always believed that his circumstances control him. He has alwys seen himself as a victim. He truly believes that the only thing in life that he can control is the people around him. He really believes that people and circumstances MAKE him behave the way he does. He cannot see that it might possibly be the other way around.

The history is that my son has had a life of pure Hell . . . He was abandoned by his own father, he was raised by a mother who didn't have a clue how to raise kids, he had an accident when he was 9 that left him slightly disfigured and horribly insecure. After I married H, my son was sent to a Boys Ranch because H convinced me that it was best for S. He came back in August and H decided it was time to get out, of course leaving S to believe that HE is the reason for H's behavior. The history, in a nutshell, is that I have failed my son over and over and over again. The pattern is that H preys on weakness to make himself feel strong. The problem is that H will never see his own contributions to his own situations. The question is, why bother?

I and my kids will never be allowed to have opinions, thoughts, or feelings that H doesn't approve of without having to endure his rage, verbal or (apparently) physical. It was this way before, then we agreed to a "new & improved" marriage, he managed that for 2 weeks and now he's back. I can't take it & I can't ask my kids to take it.

[cat03]

what are you going to do about it?

[InHisHands]

I am going to accept the fact that I'm a good person. The changes I made in myself while DBing have made me into the kind of person I like (finally). I'm not going to regret trying to save this because, in doing that, I saved myself.

I finally like me. I'm a good person. I get to decide how I'm going to spend the rest of my life. I am going to accept the fact that he is not capable of respecting me or my family. I'm going to be fine, even better than I was before.

I'm going to pray that he will find happiness and I'm going to keep myself open to the possibility that he may find his way home, but I would rather be a good person alone than a good wife in a bad marriage.