This is NOT what I expected!

[toughlover]

I think I've narrowed it down to a few things that are huge roadblocks for me:

Good work!

1) He still sees OW every day. He says he doesn't go to lunch with her any more because I "told him not to," not because it's wrong or hurtful. Same with the phone calls.

He's respecting your wishes, then? That's a great start! How does he see her every day? Is it truly unavoidable or does he make a point of crossing paths w/her?

2) He still hasn't admitted that there was anything wrong with having the kind of relationship he had with her. She was "just a friend." Maybe, maybe not. But he hid it from me and she became a "friend" at the same time that he gave up on our marriage.

Yeah, that's BS. As a guy I've always made it a point not to get too close to any females who weren't my W. ANY extracurricular, one-one-one ongoing communication, in my opinion, is a bad idea between members of the opposite sex who are (either of them) married.

3) He has said that if he was single & she was single, they would be dating. Of course, in my mind the 30+ hours on the phone in a month and frequent lunches alone together means they WERE dating, even though they were married.

Which really negates what he said in #2, I see your point. And you're right, if that's what they were doing, they were dating.

4) When asked what he wants, he says he doesn't know or it doesn't matter. When asked what would make him happy, he says his happiness doesn't matter any more.

I wouldn't press this with him right now. Let him talk to you if/when he wants to, unless a true problem arises.

I think the bottom line is that I feel like he has settled for me. I think that if she had left her H when he left me, they would be together now. I wonder what he feels for her still. I wonder if they still have something going on and are just better at hiding it now. I think that when he says he doesn't know what he wants, it's clear that he doesn't want what he has. I think that he has given up on being happy, so he's with me instead.

I can't talk about it with him, he's already tired of R talks, and OW talks (other than attack/defend) have never happened. He doesn't see the need for counseling. So, without being able to discuss this w/him, without being able to deal with what has happened or is happening with a counselor, how do I work through it? How do I accept where we are without resolving these things?

This is the tough part. This is where you've got to set clear boundaries and DB your butt off. Regardless of what happens, how, and when, you've got to detach and get strong on your own so that you can love him out of your strength when he is ready for it. You need to be the kind of wife (as much as possible) that you would be if things were great, and just show him what he truly has to lose. That doesn't mean you should be a doormat, and you seem to be setting some good boundaries.

I realize what you're going through is hard and difficult. I'd really get the DR book and some other good ones, like Dobon's "Love must be tough," read em, and do em.

I used to feel like you do toward my W. Sometimes I still do, get my own sense of well being too wrapped up in whatever I'm getting or not from her.

However, and this is important, There is nobody except for God who is worth that kind of devotion.

If his devotion to you grows, then great. For now, though, it sounds like he's committed but perhaps without the depth or intensity you want. Nagging, pushing, and pressuring him, however, won't get him there.

For now, draw closer to God. See this as an opportunity to strengthen yourself. It's always been your H's choice. Without being a doormat, why not show him how good things might be and let that light burn brightly so that he can find his way back to you? There are no guarantees but it seems like that's your best shot.