This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

Okay, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is that feels so wrong about this "reconciliation." I think I've narrowed it down to a few things that are huge roadblocks for me:

1) He still sees OW every day. He says he doesn't go to lunch with her any more because I "told him not to," not because it's wrong or hurtful. Same with the phone calls.

2) He still hasn't admitted that there was anything wrong with having the kind of relationship he had with her. She was "just a friend." Maybe, maybe not. But he hid it from me and she became a "friend" at the same time that he gave up on our marriage.

3) He has said that if he was single & she was single, they would be dating. Of course, in my mind the 30+ hours on the phone in a month and frequent lunches alone together means they WERE dating, even though they were married.

4) When asked what he wants, he says he doesn't know or it doesn't matter. When asked what would make him happy, he says his happiness doesn't matter any more.

I think the bottom line is that I feel like he has settled for me. I think that if she had left her H when he left me, they would be together now. I wonder what he feels for her still. I wonder if they still have something going on and are just better at hiding it now. I think that when he says he doesn't know what he wants, it's clear that he doesn't want what he has. I think that he has given up on being happy, so he's with me instead.

I can't talk about it with him, he's already tired of R talks, and OW talks (other than attack/defend) have never happened. He doesn't see the need for counseling. So, without being able to discuss this w/him, without being able to deal with what has happened or is happening with a counselor, how do I work through it? How do I accept where we are without resolving these things?

I'm not sure "Piecing" is the right place for me, maybe I need an "In Denial" forum.