This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

How do so many of you find the patience and selflessness that you have? I read your threads and am in awe of your ability to endure and to love, then I'm ashamed of myself.

I read your threads and I think I've learned something from them, I'm encouraged by them, I'm strengthened by them, and then I go home and forget everything. I am impatient and selfish.

In the last three months I have had to face how incredibly degrading and disrespectful I've been to H. I changed that and, thank God, it appears to be a lasting change because I haven't slipped back into that particular pattern yet. But now I'm seeing that, no matter what he does, it doesn't seem to be enough. My God, he is doing everything in his power and all I can do is whine (mostly to myself, but sometimes out loud).

Other than the one night (Sunday) that he slipped back to his old ways, he has been patient and forgiving and understanding. Any other woman would be thrilled. Any other woman would appreciate him. Any other woman would be happy to have him home & trying like he is. I just find fault.

How do I stop looking at what isn't and start appreciating what is? I tell myself to do it, then I get self-absorbed and whiney. I even made myself a note yesterday that said, "Compliment the good. Ignore the bad."

The good yesterday:
1) He rubbed my shoulders before I left for work
2) He went to church with me & held my hand as we prayed
3) He sang to me in the bathtub
4) He spent over an hour just talking with me about everything and nothing, like normal people talk

The bad:
1) He hadn't called me in two days (nevermind that he's HOME and we spend lots of time together without the stupid phone calls)
2) He didn't make a move on me in the bathtub

Which do you think I focused on? Yup. The bad. And the bad wasn't even bad, it was just me blowing things up in my head. I'm assigning meanings to EVERYTHING he does & doesn't do and I'm punishing him for my own imagination.

He believes it's his fault because he destroyed my confidence. He believes that he has to do & say & be everything I need in order to rebuild me. I have told him it's my problem because I need to grow up and learn to accept what is instead of wishing for what isn't.

He is, again, taking responsibility for my happiness and I appear to be putting it on him even though I know in my heart it's not his problem, it's mine. This is going to destroy us. He cannot possibly live up to this kind of pressure. I cannot keep expecting him to be my everything. He cannot expect it of himself.

I Got A Life, I found my confidence, I found my strength . . . then he came home and I lost it all.