How do so many of you find the patience and selflessness that you have? I read your threads and am in awe of your ability to endure and to love, then I'm ashamed of myself.
I read your threads and I think I've learned something from them, I'm encouraged by them, I'm strengthened by them, and then I go home and forget everything. I am impatient and selfish.
In the last three months I have had to face how incredibly degrading and disrespectful I've been to H. I changed that and, thank God, it appears to be a lasting change because I haven't slipped back into that particular pattern yet. But now I'm seeing that, no matter what he does, it doesn't seem to be enough. My God, he is doing everything in his power and all I can do is whine (mostly to myself, but sometimes out loud).
Other than the one night (Sunday) that he slipped back to his old ways, he has been patient and forgiving and understanding. Any other woman would be thrilled. Any other woman would appreciate him. Any other woman would be happy to have him home & trying like he is. I just find fault.
How do I stop looking at what isn't and start appreciating what is? I tell myself to do it, then I get self-absorbed and whiney. I even made myself a note yesterday that said, "Compliment the good. Ignore the bad."
The good yesterday: 1) He rubbed my shoulders before I left for work 2) He went to church with me & held my hand as we prayed 3) He sang to me in the bathtub 4) He spent over an hour just talking with me about everything and nothing, like normal people talk
The bad: 1) He hadn't called me in two days (nevermind that he's HOME and we spend lots of time together without the stupid phone calls) 2) He didn't make a move on me in the bathtub
Which do you think I focused on? Yup. The bad. And the bad wasn't even bad, it was just me blowing things up in my head. I'm assigning meanings to EVERYTHING he does & doesn't do and I'm punishing him for my own imagination.
He believes it's his fault because he destroyed my confidence. He believes that he has to do & say & be everything I need in order to rebuild me. I have told him it's my problem because I need to grow up and learn to accept what is instead of wishing for what isn't.
He is, again, taking responsibility for my happiness and I appear to be putting it on him even though I know in my heart it's not his problem, it's mine. This is going to destroy us. He cannot possibly live up to this kind of pressure. I cannot keep expecting him to be my everything. He cannot expect it of himself.
I Got A Life, I found my confidence, I found my strength . . . then he came home and I lost it all.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
What you're doing is like planting an apple sapling in your yard, watering it, fertilizing it, then going back the very next next day and ripping it out of the ground because it's not full-grown or producing apples yet, then replanting it in another part of the yard, then going back the next day and ripping it out again for the same reason. Keep it up and all you're left with is some dead twigs.
You just need to stop that by a sheer act of will even though you don't feel like it, even though you feel bad and want to express that. Sorry for being so direct. He sounds like he's being about as good as my W was/is, but instead of helping to create new positive experiences and memories, tending the sapling day after day, you're ripping out whatever progress you've made and starting over from scratch day in and day out. It's not going to get you what you want. You know you can do better than that.
That's not to say you're nuts; it sounds like a pretty normal reaction. It takes a lot of effort and will to detach and get to where you're comfortable with the situation, adapt to it. Then when there's a change, regardless of how good it may be, it's still a change, and it throws you, and the feelings that you've been working so hard at controlling, the destructive anxiety, hurt, pain, fear, etc., come boiling back up...particularly when WAS gets closer. I've experienced exactly the same thing.
They come back a little. LBS tends to want to jump right back in and have things be great, yet they aren't, and the first time an expectation doesn't get met, we allow ourselves to dark spiral and blow it.
You're going to have to just do it and quit whining. Sorry. No easy way around it, ya gotta go through, but if you go through and make things unnecessarily hard for your H, he's just going to think there's nothing he can do that will ever be good enough cause in his mind he's doing all he can.
As a Christian, consider the following verse:
2 Corinthians 8:12 "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have."
That helped me out a lot because I drove my wife to tears at one point back in August because she was truly giving me all she had to give and I wouldn't accept it, just complained that it wasn't "everything."
Also think of/look up Jesus story about the widow's mite. She gave all she had.
If your husband is willing to give all he has now, you need to help it grow by accepting it, appreciating it, and giving it back. Y'all are creating fertile soil, creating an environment where your relationship can grow, and you know that almost anything worthwhile you put in the yard or garden takes a long time to grow and bear fruit...but you're at a stage of the game where a lot of other people would like to be right now. You have it pretty dang good.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Oh my gosh, inhishands, you have articulated everything that I am doing and feeling.
Quote: He is, again, taking responsibility for my happiness and I appear to be putting it on him even though I know in my heart it's not his problem, it's mine. This is going to destroy us. He cannot possibly live up to this kind of pressure. I cannot keep expecting him to be my everything. He cannot expect it of himself.
with your permission I would like to copy your last post to my thread. I have a hard time explaining how I feel and it seems like you went inside my head and put it into words for me.
Quote: How do I stop looking at what isn't and start appreciating what is? I tell myself to do it, then I get self-absorbed and whiney
This is my problem too. Wise DBer's like OT, Underdog, PL & GH (to name a few) post on my thread and slap me upside the head. They are all so smart but somehow I have a hard time walking the walk and talking the talk. Ya know what I mean?
Great analogy, TL. H & I are avid gardeners. We have even discussed how we failed to tend our marriage and allowed the weeds to take hold, rather than cultivating & caring for it.
Thanks for saying I'm not nuts, I sure feel like I am. I feel like Paul in Romans 7:19: "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing."
It's hard not to feel nuts when you KNOW the good you should do, but you keep choosing the opposite.
I think I'm going to print your reply, take it to lunch with me, and commit it to memory, especially that perfect passage you quoted.
Tough Love is exactly what I need! Thank you.
Last edited by InHisHands; 11/02/0603:06 PM.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
Absolutely use it in your thread! I keep reading everyone else's, but not posting much since I obviously am in no position to offer advice. But I'm trying to learn from everyone else's sitch, too.
I'm so glad you get what it feels like. It sucks, doesn't it?
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
Okay, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what it is that feels so wrong about this "reconciliation." I think I've narrowed it down to a few things that are huge roadblocks for me:
1) He still sees OW every day. He says he doesn't go to lunch with her any more because I "told him not to," not because it's wrong or hurtful. Same with the phone calls.
2) He still hasn't admitted that there was anything wrong with having the kind of relationship he had with her. She was "just a friend." Maybe, maybe not. But he hid it from me and she became a "friend" at the same time that he gave up on our marriage.
3) He has said that if he was single & she was single, they would be dating. Of course, in my mind the 30+ hours on the phone in a month and frequent lunches alone together means they WERE dating, even though they were married.
4) When asked what he wants, he says he doesn't know or it doesn't matter. When asked what would make him happy, he says his happiness doesn't matter any more.
I think the bottom line is that I feel like he has settled for me. I think that if she had left her H when he left me, they would be together now. I wonder what he feels for her still. I wonder if they still have something going on and are just better at hiding it now. I think that when he says he doesn't know what he wants, it's clear that he doesn't want what he has. I think that he has given up on being happy, so he's with me instead.
I can't talk about it with him, he's already tired of R talks, and OW talks (other than attack/defend) have never happened. He doesn't see the need for counseling. So, without being able to discuss this w/him, without being able to deal with what has happened or is happening with a counselor, how do I work through it? How do I accept where we are without resolving these things?
I'm not sure "Piecing" is the right place for me, maybe I need an "In Denial" forum.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
Quote: I think I've narrowed it down to a few things that are huge roadblocks for me:
Good work!
Quote: 1) He still sees OW every day. He says he doesn't go to lunch with her any more because I "told him not to," not because it's wrong or hurtful. Same with the phone calls.
He's respecting your wishes, then? That's a great start! How does he see her every day? Is it truly unavoidable or does he make a point of crossing paths w/her?
Quote: 2) He still hasn't admitted that there was anything wrong with having the kind of relationship he had with her. She was "just a friend." Maybe, maybe not. But he hid it from me and she became a "friend" at the same time that he gave up on our marriage.
Yeah, that's BS. As a guy I've always made it a point not to get too close to any females who weren't my W. ANY extracurricular, one-one-one ongoing communication, in my opinion, is a bad idea between members of the opposite sex who are (either of them) married.
Quote: 3) He has said that if he was single & she was single, they would be dating. Of course, in my mind the 30+ hours on the phone in a month and frequent lunches alone together means they WERE dating, even though they were married.
Which really negates what he said in #2, I see your point. And you're right, if that's what they were doing, they were dating.
Quote: 4) When asked what he wants, he says he doesn't know or it doesn't matter. When asked what would make him happy, he says his happiness doesn't matter any more.
I wouldn't press this with him right now. Let him talk to you if/when he wants to, unless a true problem arises.
Quote: I think the bottom line is that I feel like he has settled for me. I think that if she had left her H when he left me, they would be together now. I wonder what he feels for her still. I wonder if they still have something going on and are just better at hiding it now. I think that when he says he doesn't know what he wants, it's clear that he doesn't want what he has. I think that he has given up on being happy, so he's with me instead.
I can't talk about it with him, he's already tired of R talks, and OW talks (other than attack/defend) have never happened. He doesn't see the need for counseling. So, without being able to discuss this w/him, without being able to deal with what has happened or is happening with a counselor, how do I work through it? How do I accept where we are without resolving these things?
This is the tough part. This is where you've got to set clear boundaries and DB your butt off. Regardless of what happens, how, and when, you've got to detach and get strong on your own so that you can love him out of your strength when he is ready for it. You need to be the kind of wife (as much as possible) that you would be if things were great, and just show him what he truly has to lose. That doesn't mean you should be a doormat, and you seem to be setting some good boundaries.
I realize what you're going through is hard and difficult. I'd really get the DR book and some other good ones, like Dobon's "Love must be tough," read em, and do em.
I used to feel like you do toward my W. Sometimes I still do, get my own sense of well being too wrapped up in whatever I'm getting or not from her.
However, and this is important, There is nobody except for God who is worth that kind of devotion.
If his devotion to you grows, then great. For now, though, it sounds like he's committed but perhaps without the depth or intensity you want. Nagging, pushing, and pressuring him, however, won't get him there.
For now, draw closer to God. See this as an opportunity to strengthen yourself. It's always been your H's choice. Without being a doormat, why not show him how good things might be and let that light burn brightly so that he can find his way back to you? There are no guarantees but it seems like that's your best shot.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Some day I'll have to get clarification on the boundaries thing . . . not real clear on the difference between boundaries & demands, but for now, I'm going to change the momentum of my thoughts.
I'm falling into the "I want what I want and I want it NOW" trap. So, to start my weekend off right, I'm going to remind myself of some positives:
1) He is more patient than ever. 2) We are having more fun than ever. 3) He is more attentive than ever. 4) I am less judgmental than ever. 5) We are living together again. 6) We are going to church together again. 7) He likes spending time with me (as long as I avoid R talks) 8) He is more involved in home/finances/family. 9) He thinks I'm hot (and he ain't too shabby either!! 10) Sex is better than EVER!
And that's just off the top of my head. When I think about it, the positives far outweigh the negatives. I'm going to have to come back and re-read my list and add to it as I can. Maybe this will help me keep my PMA up during those times when I'm tempted to only see the bad.
H-44 M-36 Married 6/7/03 8/17/06 - H not sure he wants to be married any more 8/17/06-present - Just crawling through the rubble that's left of my life 2/8/07 - H admitted affair
I cannot believe how much your sitch sounds like mine. I am dealing with the exact insecurities as you.
1. My H also works with the OW. Next to asking him to switch jobs, (which isn't realistic financially at this point) there is not much I can do. I can only hope that he is avoiding her but I will never know.
2. He has always stated they were "just friends" and has never admitted to anything else. This I do not believe either. A few months ago he was going out almost everynight of the week and staying out all night at least once a week (saying he was too drunk to drive). When the bomb first dropped he had went away for the weekend with her (told me fishing with the guys, which I soon figured out was a lie). I don't believe that a married man and a single woman can be "just friends", like you I believe they were "dating".
3. A while back my H also told me the dreaded ILYBINILWY, he wasn't "attracted" to me and that he didn't know what he wanted but "I'm here arn't I?" That also made me feel like he was settling for me. I figured we are barely making it financially so if he were to leave it would cost him even more money that he didn't have so he was "trapped" into staying.
Things have recently started to turn around though. Like your H he is doing so many wonderful things yet I still find the 1 thing that is missing and dwell on that. If you jump over to my thread you will see some great advice that I have received. If you have the time it may be worth reading for you since I think our sitch's are so similar.
