This is NOT what I expected!

[brandnewday]

IF you act as if he is is going to be really mad or blast you for what happens, you will be definsive and this silly argument will escalate.

If you act as if everything is OK and you are sorry, show some humilty (no grovelling) and write it off as you had a long day with the kids, you over reacted and you are sorry about the WAY you said it.

The man loves you, he is trying hard ( as are you) to get your mariage back on track.

Don't be so fatalistic.

People get mad.

They say stupid things.

Work on your anger issues, and the letting go.

Life is way too short for BS.

If one of your goals is to have more time together as a family then wait for the right time to bring it up. The next time you all do something together let him know how much you enjoyed the time as a family. Show him how much you appreciate the time he took to make your event special.

When you came home and he saw that you all had a good time without him, maybe he felt a little guilty because he knew he should have been there and over reacted.

I also think that you are assuming the reason your S had a hard time was because everyone else had their Dads there. You are taking your feelings and shoving them onto your S because YOU wanted your Husband to be there too.

Another thing...Don't discuss this stuff with your Mom and your Sister. They love you, they know what you have been through and they will tell you what you want to hear, not always what you need to hear.

[InHisHands]

Great advice, I get it now. One more thing and I'm sorry to be such a pain . . . How do I handle the ultimatum? Just apologize in general & move on or specifically say that the date is meaningless and tell him that I am letting go of that stupidity?

Another thing...Don't discuss this stuff with your Mom and your Sister. They love you, they know what you have been through and they will tell you what you want to hear, not always what you need to hear.

Do you know, that is the first thing that I thought of AFTER I had already done the damage. Why can't I realize these things BEFORE I act?

[25yearsmlc]

As a former ultimatum giver, let me suggest a few ideas. First, what about sayng, as for Nov 15, "I really just need to feel as if there is hope for us", "that you are committed to the M" and then back off of it. OR, what about just being totally open & upfront and say, "the thing about an ultimatum, is that it was designed to protect ME, but now I don't know what part of it is based on pride, versus self respect, and H, since I don't know exactly where that line is, for now I just want us to work on US and figure out the rest as we go...."

And like Bnd says, don't grovel....your H has a role in this M, and although I can't recall alll of your sitch at the moment, I know enough to know he has a temper problem too. And seriously, did you really expect (not "hope", but "expect") your H to agree that yes you all should spend more time as a family in response to what you said....did he ever say he does not want to? Face it, you were critisizing. We have to know when we speak, what our goal is--our real goal--and whether our words will move us in that direction.

Sometimes that means lots of introspection. Good luck,
j-

[toughlover]

RE: Ultimatum

What about saying something like, "You know, I see now that that Nov. 15 date is awfully arbitrary and artificial. I realize I came up with that because the future looked really scary and uncertain back then and I didn't know what to expect, and I guess that was an attempt at regaining some sense of certainty. Howver, I can see that you're committed to trying, and I realize we both have some work to do to get to where we need and want to be for ourselves and our kids. I don't think any kind of deadline is helpful right now. I believe our marriage can be great and I want to do my very best to make that happen, and focus on that right now."

Then, either discuss it further IF HE HAS ANYTHING TO SAY/ADD, otherwise...and here's your motivational phrase for the week (insert drum roll here):

DROP IT AND DO IT!!!

Heh. I know you're concerned, but you can do it.

[InHisHands]

Okay, good suggestions for the conversation. Thanks everyone. I'll probably do my best to combine them into my apology when I get home.

This sucks, though. I feel exactly like I felt the day he dropped the bomb. My stomach is in knots, I haven't eaten all day, all I've accomplished is to sit & think about him. I also had to pay the phone bill (which I haven't been looking at like I used to) and noticed that he had made a call to OW on 10/2, AFTER he had told me that it was over. It was a short call and probably nothing, but it's hard since he sees her every day and all I have to go on is faith, which I seem to have in short supply these days.

I'm not going to deal with that, though. I have enough to worry about with the damage I caused last night.

[25yearsmlc]

Sweetie you have to do the stop sign visualization when it comes to OW and your H. Especially if he says it's over.....and stay focussed on TODAY and let God handle the rest. Don't make yourself any sicker about this. You will be alright, and this too, shall pass.

j-

[Holly06]

Hi there,
Not liking the be the wife he wants part. The only long term solution is to be the person you are proud to be, the real you. That is who H fell in love with, and that is who you need be become again.
Do not change for H, change for yourself, and if he does not like it, then it is better than trying to be someone you are not for the rest of your life.
Holly

[25yearsmlc]

If I could only do one thing for my M, I'd get DB coaching. Money well spent.
j-

[brandnewday]

Why can't she be the wife he wants and still maintain her identity and individuality?

In marriage we do need to make compromises and do things to please our spouses.

Sometimes we need to step out of our comfort zones and try something new.

[InHisHands]

I only have a second, then I have to go to work and try to make myself focus on WORK while I'm there!
It started bad last night, H did not want to talk to me or hear from me. He was short & kind of mean the whole night. So, I sent an email basically saying what you guys said, that the deadline was for my own protection, it served a purpose at the time and now I see that it no longer has a purpose, etc.

He ignored it and was mad at me the rest of the night, so I went to bed. Then he came in and wanted to talk. He started the same old finger-pointing & blaming me for everything and I finally said there's no point in this . . . I know his lines by heart and if he's going to keep doing the same thing he's done all along, I'm just not interested in the conversation.

I rolled over to go to sleep (one of my BIGGEST 180s, I used to think we had to "resolve" everything right away), and somehow the tone changed. He said that I really hurt him. He said he now knows what I meant when I said it was like he stuck a knife in my heart in August because that's how he felt now. He said that I made him mad a lot in our marriage, but that he can't remember a time I've ever hurt him until now. Of course, I was thinking that must be nice, all I remember is him hurting me over & over, but I didn't say that. I listened & I validated.

There was much more, but I think it ended well. I apologized but didn't grovel. I admitted to my wrongs but didn't take 100% responsibility for the break-down.

Thank you again for helping me through my setback, I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found these boards, but I know I probably wouldn't have been in my husband's arms last night!