I may not agree totally with BND, regarding the apology since your H was such a jerk, but I DO agree with B- in your expectations. Here is the bottom line that has taken me YEARS to get thru my thick skull===Negative feedback does NOT work....period. Does NOT matter if we are "right" or justified....it does not change them at all and Usually, if not always, makes things worse. Yet I did it over and over again with my H, scared that any positive feedback for anything less than 100% of what I wanted, would somehow create lower standards of behavior from him, like I'd make it worse by affirming him. Strategically I was an idiot.
To re-cap: NEGATIVE FEEDBACK DOES NOT WORK-- IT DOES NOT WORK!!!!PERIOD, END OF STORY....
good luck on the rest but please learn a new tactic....ultimatums are the same as negative feedback with a stick at the end. It'd be different if you were saying "stop drinking or I'm out of here, you are dangerous, etc." I know there is a fine line somewhere in there, but I don't get that you are at that point.
An apology for your H who yells and says "never" at the slightest request....?? I just don't know, I don't oppose it, I just don't know. But I do know you have expectations of your h, like all of us, but your tactic/way of getting him to see the light was completely ineffective and you continue to use it.
Really ask yourself what you were expecting him to say when you came back from the pumpkin event? (After you got encouraged by your mom/sister who don't want to see you in pain and feel anger at your H, btw)
Did you think your H would slap his forehead, and say "OMG, You are RIGHT!! I should have gone, I should be a better dad, spend more time, I was a fool to stay home and a selfish one at that, so I am SORRY and how can I be a better h to you and a better father to our kids?""
See, when I ask myself what I was really expecting when I used to say things like that --and we all have, so don't think I'm judging you, I've been there, done that-- it was either totally Unrealistic expectations on my part, OR it was in reality, an attempt at hurting H, although I never would have admitted or believed it at the time....you guys need help, for sure. Can you possibly get a session with a DB coach? they are faster than most mc, so I felt I actually saved money by getting the 3 sessions. I mean you individually btw, b/c I doubt a c with a DB coach together would be so great just now...
Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
