This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

Big set-back last night . . . I took the kids to a "pumpkin splash" yesterday at the gym. They throw a bunch of pumpkins into the pool and the kids jump in & get one & decorate it. It was a blast, but H didn't want to go. He goes to the gym EVERY chance he gets, but the one time the kids are involved, he just doesn't want to go. Okay, I didn't say much about it at the time, but when I got to the pool & saw all those dads there, it kind of got to me.

I met up later w/mom & sister and told them a little bit about it and they both asked why I felt like I didn't have the right to ask him to do anything. So, when I got home I was trying to put away groceries & talk to H at the same time. I told him that it was a lot of fun, I wish he could have been there, and I'd really like to do more things together as a family. Those were my exact words, "I'd really like to do more things together as a family." No sarcasm, no ugly tone, just a comment.

He went ballistic and started yelling "Now I'm a rotten parent, too? What? I NEVER do anything with the family now?"

This is the exact same fight we've had over & over for three years. We're fine as long as I don't need or want anything from him. If I say something about affection, he screams, "Oh, so I NEVER hold your hand or touch you??" If I say something about helping around the house, he screams, "Oh, so I NEVER do anything around here?"

It doesn't seem to matter how or when I approach a subject, if it's a request, it's a fight.

I stayed calm, didn't argue, didn't fight back, just kept telling him that we had agreed not to have the same marriage we had before and this is exactly the same. He started the same old finger-pointing game that we used to play; it's my fault that he exploded like that, if I had waited to tell him that later or used a different tone he wouldn't have lashed out. An hour later he was still insisting that his behavior was my fault.

Then I screwed up again and reminded him of the date I had set, November 15. Unlike many of you saints here, I am just not capable of hanging on indefinitely. When H dropped the bomb I had decided that I would sell the house and move away if things weren't on the right path by November 15. There are only a few things I want from my marriage: More time together (doing that), More sex (doing that), More participation from H on household matters (not really), and an environment where it's safe for us to come to each other with our needs (NO NO NO).

He was still angry when he left this morning. I'm not sure where this leaves us. I may have painted myself into a corner. In the "Fight or Flight" response, he falls on the side of "flight" every time. Instead of motivating him to make some changes, my reminding him of my deadline probably told him it's already over, there's nothing he can do now.

Maybe it's best. If that one area won't change, we will end up down the same path we went down before. It's just too hard to stay positive when you're constantly under attack for thinking or feeling anything.