This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

Thanks everyone, it's good to know this is normal, I just hope I can find some way to control my thoughts & feelings . . . that's NOT one of my strong points!

We did manage to talk about the gym thing and he suggested going later, after the kids are fed & the homework is done, or even alternating days so that one of us will be home with the kids. It was good, but apparently I was too far gone & ruined it anyway.

Toughlover, one of the worst things about this reconciliation is that God is not a part of it. I prayed every day for God to restore my husband to the safety of His fold (he had turned his back on the church shortly before the bomb), that he would create in us a marriage that honors and glorifies Him. I stayed faithful throughout the rollercoaster ride and I had hoped that my faith would be strong enough to lead my husband back to Christ, but it appears to be working the other way. I'm now in a spiritual crisis along with him. I keep remembering our wedding day, he sang a song to me about a marriage built on the Rock, we even read the Bible & prayed together on our honeymoon. Now I can't help thinking that it was all so meaningless.

Okay, so I tried everything to stop the negative thoughts yesterday. I did the Stop sign, the visualizing positives, everything I could think of, but I still had a melt-down and I had it in front of him. To top it off, he is sick right now. Great job, huh? He handled it well, I believe he's trying to work on his ability to let me open up to him which is ironic since I'm trying to work on NOT opening up to him too much. It's hard because I used to unload every thought, feeling, opinion -- whatever crossed my mind I would dump on him which left him feeling attacked, helpless, confused, etc. I know that was wrong and I'm trying to stop it . . . pick my battles & deal with my own feelings without making him responsible for them. I guess I'm just not sure now when I should open up and when I should shut up.

Anyway, so I dumped a lot of crap on him that he did NOT need to hear. Here's a summary (picture me with tears streaming down my face):

"I can't believe in anything any more."

"Everything I used to believe in was a lie."

"I was so busy looking for your approval and when I didn't get it, I turned ugly."

"I did everything I was supposed to do: I made my home & family the top priority. I was honest. I was faithful. I was devoted to you. I was miserable, too, but I stayed faithful and believed in our vows. I gave to the church. What did it get me? Everything I thought was good turned out to be bad. Everything I believed was right has proven to be wrong. I am lost now. I don't know right from wrong. Trying to be a good wife drove you away and now I don't know what to be."

Could I have been any more pathetic? Is there any way I could have caused any more damage?

He listened and didn't judge me, but he took it all on himself and made himself responsible for all of my doubts. Part of me believes that's true & I hate him for it, but the other part of me knows that this is MY problem, that I believed in a fairy tale and I needed a wake-up call to show me that fairy tales are not reality.

So, he asked me what he could do to make it better and I said, "Will you make love to me?" Pathetic enough, I know, but it gets better. I was in verbal vomit mode and I blurted out, "The only thing in my life that I love right now is being close to you."

He pointed out that that's not good because I had just finished telling him that I had lived for his approval before and this is just the same thing in different words. Ouch. He's right, I just didn't think he was that perceptive. So now I have added even more pressure to him.

He's already mentioned several times that the sex is great, but he's afraid he's too old & he can't keep up. Now I've added the pressure of sex with him being the "only thing in my life that I love."

Is there any way to undo the damage I did last night, or should I just put it behind me and hope for the best?