This is NOT what I expected!

[InHisHands]

I've been posting in the Newcomers Forum, but H has been home for two & a half weeks and is saying & doing all the "right" things, so I guess this lands me in the Piecing Forum? I hope so, anyway.

I still need a place to journal, though, because this reconciling thing is not the emotional triumph that I thought it would be. It's REALLY difficult, and I know it's my own attitude that's making it so difficult. Here's my story, if anyone wants to catch up . . . IHH Story

I've read the Tips for Newcomers to piecing and I knew that my resentment & anger would be an issue, but I guess I'm just a little surprised at how deep all these emotions run and how many different aspects of my life are impacted by what has happened.

I know I sound whiney, because I've read so many different stories here and I really should be grateful that things are going well with H; it's apparent that he wants to be with me, that he loves me, that he's (at least for now) committed to the marriage. He says ILY, we ML, and he is opening up to me in a way I never thought he could.

My mother even saw him yesterday and told me after he left that he had been bragging to her about me and that it's so obvious that he loves me. She said that he told her that I'm "so gorgeous and bubbly" and, instead of focusing on the wonderful compliment that is, I immediately said, "I guess that's good, as long as I stay gorgeous and bubbly. As soon as I get a wrinkle or have a bad day he'll decide he doesn't love me any more."

See what I mean about the attitude? I read other stories on the boards and I know so many people would give a limb to hear their husbands say something like that about them, and all I can think is ugly, ungrateful, negative thoughts.

Also, instead of being grateful for where we are in the relationship (and I really should be grateful, if only for the changes in myself -- I have finally become the kind of wife that I'm proud of, I'm more appreciative, more understanding, less judgmental, more complimentary), I'm comparing it to the marriage we had before and finding all the little things that he used to do that he's not doing any more. This is especially stupid when you consider that I NEVER appreciated those little things when he WAS doing them, so just where do I get off expecting him to start doing them again??

Also, I'm a little angry at myself. I have changed. Most of the changes are positive, but some of them break my heart. In order to get my own life and still have time to build the M, I'm neglecting my kids & my home. I have to keep going to the gym several times a week because that was one of the things my H was most proud of me for, so who's home to cook dinner & supervise homework? Nobody.

This was a huge issue in our M before, he got to go to the gym any time he wanted and I could only go once, maybe twice, a week because somebody had to take care of things at home. I resented him for it and he thought I was stupid for not just doing what I wanted to do. Now I'm doing that and my kids are paying the price. They are S15, D13, & S7, so they're old enough to be alone for a few hours a day. My two oldest are good at taking care of the youngest and making sure he eats & does his homework, but it's so extremely unfair to ask them to keep doing it!

I'm neglecting the housework and, if you read my Newcomers thread, you know that was a huge source of pride for me before he decided to bail. Now he's dropping little hints all the time about the cooking and cleaning, but he's sucking up every minute of my day so what EXACTLY does he expect from me?? I'm supposed to work full time, go to the gym 3 or 4 times a week, spend quality time with him, cook, clean, be mommy, and still have a life of my own??? How???

I'm sorry, I know I need to be smacked around some. I got what I wanted and I'm still a miserable cow. I'm just not sure how to balance everything. I'm also kind of bummed about feeling like I have to cover my a$$ now. I'm going back to school in November and I'm already so overwhelmed by all I'm doing and all I'm not doing that I'm freaking out over how I'm going to add school into all of this without neglecting everyone even more. But I also feel like I HAVE to add school into the mix in order to prepare myself better for a future that may or may not include my husband.

Anyway, sorry this got so long and so negative, I just get in these funks and there is no way I can talk about these things with my husband because I've become so fearful of losing him that I don't even feel like I can trust him to know how I feel any more. I guess I need a reminder that reconciling is actually a good thing, cuz it's not feeling so good.