Oh! so that explains it.

[haphazard]

I think that you are projecting a good attitude in this post, an attitude that will be productive for you if not your marriage.

Thanks Mojo! The weird thing is the guys are jumping on me now because I am seeing myself from H's point of view. It's exactly because of this that I'm starting to feel myself get unstuck. So the 2*4's are well aimed but are actually hitting me AFTER I need them. If Mrs Hairdog was able to post here that she was a nagging b!tch who never let poor old HD alone, the very fact that she is posting it would mean that she had insight and she could stop doing it. Like Corri said - you don't see what you don't see until you see it.

I actually think there's not much I could put in a personal ad that would put men off. There I go again being arrogant but I am pretty good about most things, I cook, I clean, I'm a willing bed-partner, I'm not a spend-thrift, I do take care of my appearance, I'm never rude or unkind to H's friends and relatives. It's just that I haven't been doing any of these things WITH LOVE. Like your H when he said he could tell if you'd cooked something with love, my H can tell the difference.

But I am sensing a change and it has been brought about by understanding where H is coming from. Today I stopped off at the grocery store to get something for H and I to eat tonight. Usually this is difficult, our tastes differ and he often has something negative to say about what I choose or how I cook it. I realised today at the store that what has been getting in my way has been my attitude, today I picked things up because I knew he would like them, not because of their nutritional value or how long they would take to cook. Before I have always made compromises, a nod in his direction but really choosing things I think he ought to eat, or things that are more convenient for me or lean more towards my taste. Is it any surprise he's been underwhelmed?

But it's not all carrot. He's had his share of 2*4s from me lately and that has to do with a) me knowing I'm out of here if things don't shape up - I've got a plan b) telling him some stuff straight which I don't think I could have without being in the safety of the C's office.

It amazes me how different he is because of me. It's amazed me in the past, but sometimes no effort of will can make me change when things go bad again. The hard part is not knowing if he can make changes that make me feel better. In other words when I'm in a funk a change in his attitude could turn ME round. But maybe it just IS up to me, it's my life and it works the way I want it to, much as it seems not to. How can I ever know what amount of effort he really is putting in, how hard it really is for him. I live in my world and my attitude changes my world.

Fran (still here)