As much as it pains me to say so, I guess men can be just as obstinate as women. This brings to mind the same advice I see in Dieda’s book and the chapter that Blackfoot mentioned to me – “Don’t Suggest That a woman Fix Her Own Emotional Problem” – and the chapter “Praise Her.” On p. 62 he says:
“It is difficult for most men to learn, but you must learn to praise the very qualities you feel are not yet praiseworthy in order for them to become so. In other words, praise the tiny quality that you want to grow.”
“Praising the things you really enjoy when she exercises will magnify her exercising. On the other hand, by telling her why she should exercise, you are indicating that she is not acceptable to you the way she is. Praise works. Information doesn’t. Praise motivates. Challenge doesn’t.”
Now it seems fairly obvious to me that there is absolutely no difference in what Dieda says regarding women and what Dr. Laura says regarding men. I have seen some resounding praise by some women of Dieda’s ideas but a strong distaste for Dr. Laura. Why is that? This seems a little hypocritical to me (I am not pointing the finger at you Fran.)
What I hear from both Dieda and Schlessinger is that one partner praise, comfort, soothe the other partner to relieve insecurities, shortcomings, anxieties and fears, while at the same time not confronting and offending that person’s ego. To do so requires understanding of the issues involved (FOO) and a sense of compassion to meet those needs. All the different approaches, techniques, books, theories, etc. that we have discussed here come together to address the same problem - overcoming fear in ourselves and our partner (attachment theory).
If your partner cannot tolerate such praise or has other issues holding him/her back, then Dieda and Schlessinger have different ways to deal with that, but it still comes down to holding onto yourself and facing your crucible. If your partner cannot grow, then you have to decide whether to tolerate the status quo or leave. But my point to your sitch Fran, and what I think Alphamole is saying, is that you need to follow the Golden Rule – in this case think of your H as you would have him think of you.
