I have been a "lurker" on this board for some time, and would like to congratulate the regular contributors for the quite outstanding quality of their reflexions.
I feel the need to respond to this thread because I have a certain sympathy with your H, Fran. Our situations are analogous to some extent, though not entirely - thank heavens. My W is also somewhat older than me. I also consider that she is superior to me in many - not all - respects. She is more "attractive" than me. She is more successful than me in her profession.
Now for the differences : I don't think my W feels superior - or "one-up" - to me in any way. If she does, she hides it very well. She does not feel particularly attractive or intelligent (although she is IMO). She is the higher earner (it used to be me). And I would be considered as the HD (H means "higher" for me as I think I am simply normal) partner. We are very close in almost all aspects (except... you guessed), and discuss most things openly. My W is also prone to feelings of guilt (you wouldn't have had a Catholic upbringing by any chance ?)
Reading your posts, it would seem that your choice of H was almost entirely down to chance, which is why I find you choice of pseudo so interesting.
"haphazard : Mere chance (Oxford English Dictionary)"
As you say, you approached your H - or rather you allowed him to approach you - essentially for his qualities as an insect repellent ("there were a lot of bees buzzing around this particular honeypot at the time but he happened to get there first and I felt safe I guess putting him between me and them"). Highly flattering for a man. Then you married him because he took at face value a joking remark : "I said off the cuff 'not unless you marry me'" It is difficult to accept that a woman of your intelligence would do such a stupid thing, but that is what you would have us believe.
And then there is the previous BF....
"I was devastated by the break-up - that is clearly why I hooked up with H, chicken-soup for the soul, he’s always been a sweetie-pie."
of couse, you never bring this up with your H. But, if he hasn't sensed the fact that you compare him mentally to this idealised fossil then he really is the "one-down" you portray. "Chicken soup for the soul" eh ? And you expect this man to desire you ? to fulfil your needs ?
Almost everything you write about yor H is negative. The rare times when it is vaguely positive, it is invariably qualified by negativity. Examples : "he is putting in some effort. But the effort is all wrong" ; "I wasn’t marrying a complete loser" (no, not a COMPLETE loser, but almost...) ; "Yes my H is a man of action. I like that about him but I also miss having a mind to mind R with someone..." etc. etc. etc.
You say his anxiety causes him to fish for compliments ; but why is he so anxious ? Have you really no responsibilty in this ? In fact, have you really no reponsibility for anything in your R ? Reading you, that is what one would be led to believe. Everything is your one-down H's fault, you, the "one-up", are to blame for nothing. Except being too attractive, too intelligent, too successful...
Apparently, your H is also afraid to socialise with you. Have you ever asked yourself what it is in your behaviour which makes him feel destabilized ? Do you make it patently clear to those around you how much you love him ? That it is useless to flirt with you, because you are "spoken for" ? Or do you completely neglect him and "butterfly" (as the French so beautifully say) around other men ?
You insist on the fact that many friends tell you that you "could do better", sorry "SO MUCH better". IMO, if a "friend" of my W's said this she would bite their head off... so they don't. What do you say in response to these suggestions ? I think that friends will only dare to say such things if YOU have given subliminal signals that this is what you want or are willing to hear.
Another important point : you write a lot about your guilt. Do not see your guilt as a handicap. Your guilt is a tool : you use it to justify your opinion of your H. If you suddenly lost your guilt, you would be obliged to be honest with yourself, which is somewhat more difficult.
When your H had his affair, why did you accept his return ? This is not clear at all from your posts. In fact, do you love this man or not ? This is not clear either. Of course, the woman with whom he had the affair was a "nutter". Why else would she want him ? More imporantly : why do - or did - YOU want him ?
You have to admit to yourself that your H gives you something you profoundly need. You are deceiving yourself - and your H - in denying this. Otherwise, you would no longer be in the relationship. You also have to accept that he is your choice. I believe that divorce is still legal in the UK ? That enforced marriages are still illegal ? So, if you are still with him, that is YOUR CHOICE.
This post is hard, I realise that. You will find it difficult to believe that I have also great sympathy with you, wish you all the best, and am convinced that you are indeed the attractive, intelligent, successful woman you think you are. In fact, probably even more so than you think. However, if you aren't honest with yourself, neither you nor your H will ever be truly happy.
Amicably,
Alphamole
PS : do not take your dreams at face value. If you want to understand your dreams, read "The Interpretation of Dreams" by Sigmund Freud.
