Quote: HAP: Blackfoot I just realised a great thing for a guy to say when W says "how do I look" or "does this make me look fat" - just eye her up and down and say 'Well you won't put me to shame" and wink.
BF: "Well, *I* wouldn't kick you out of bed," with a kiss and a pat.
Excellant. one for the confidant woman, and one for the unsure woman. Lils is a favorite of mine allready. Im definitely adding yours to my repotoire.
What a guy needs to realize (as Blackfoot does) is that this is not a fashion question, it's an affirmation-of-desirability question.
Maybe it's analogous to a guy asking if he's the best lover you've ever had (surely no guy in real life is dumb enough risk that question, but this is just an illustration). THAT is a question that does not want a literal answer... it wants affirmation-of-desirability.
The Passion Paradox is a terrific book. There's a lot more detail than we've gone into on this board. He talks about counseling-- the one-down loves counseling because in traditional counseling the one-down and the C gang up on the one-up and suggest that s/he do more loving behaviors, spend more time with the partner, etc. The one-up, who is feeling distant enough and ambivalent about the R, isn't seen as having legitimate issues of his/her own. The thrust of the counseling is "let's get this train back on the tracks where the one-down wants it." His approach is not to pathologize either partner's behavior-- each is responding to the dynamics between them in a legitimate, healthy way. When the R can be brought more into balance, the behaviors will change. BOTH partners need to be seen and heard as having real reasons for behaving the way they do.
He also says that it's the one-up's who generally leave (which means the person currently in the one-up position). One-downs will generally stick around "working on the relationship" forever and only leave if the one-up makes it impossible to stay. I guess that makes most of us here "one-downs" or we'd be working, playing golf, shopping, instead of posting here?
Too much to summarize, but I'm finding it shines new light in some of the dark corners. Big section on practical steps to take to shift the power more into balance.
One of the suggestions dovetails with something we have said over and over again on this board (blackfoot, this is one of your principles), when the one-up starts pulling back, the one-down will be thrown into anxiety, but s/he needs to manage his/her own anxiety and not increase what the author calls "hypercourtship behaviors" (flowers, multiple phone calls, clinging, hovering). Sound like the "man o steel"?
Some good stuff in there.
Edited to add: Great chart, bf! I'm going to post the link on Mrs. Confused's thread. Start at #1 and work your way around clockwise. A real eye-opener.
