Hap

Blackfoot I just realised a great thing for a guy to say when W says "how do I look" or "does this make me look fat" - just eye her up and down and say 'Well you won't put me to shame" and wink.

"Well, *I* wouldn't kick you out of bed," with a kiss and a pat.


Excellant. one for the confidant woman, and one for the unsure woman. Lils is a favorite of mine allready. Im definitely adding yours to my repotoire.

BTW he never gets a mention in front of my H.
In this case I was seeking to illustrate the difference between being in R where the guy feels the one-down and in a R where the guy doesn't feel that way.

Ok.

Hap you seem to have a lot of A-ha's! from the passion book. However we get to them, I think whats important is getting a grasp on what is happening so we can effect some change in ourself and the R dynamic.

Someone can be totally different to the outside world to what they are to their SO. And it does make a difference if one partner feels one-up or the other partner feels one-down. The book mentions bad patterns and I think that's what's going on with us. We fell into bad patterns early on to do with him feeling unworthy of me (I never felt he was unworthy).
Absolutely.
I think its helpful to see what is driving the dynamic, and the basis for it, so we can step out and break the crazy making cycle.
I just finished a book called 'Anatomy of Peace'. Its redeeming points are the lessons and not the writing quality. (The Authors also wrote "Leadership and Self Deception'). In chapter five it talks about the difference between collusion vs. conflict. I wanted to share a diagram in the book so I googled it and found the first 9 chapters of the book online HERE (No Im not LDS, ---Im a current day saint. ---but I do like there ideas on polygamy, and being ELohim in the afterlife. )


Collusion Diagram

I see what you are saying about your H. Like I said in my last post he is a mix of 'alpha' and insecurity that seem to swing to extremes.

Its not your job to fix his insecurities, nor is it helpful for you to feel UP when he is insecure, nor DOWN when he tests your boundaries. That is you being fused.


I do compliment H a great deal. I used to do it loads when we first got together only to have such remarks rebuffed the whole time.
I finally grew tired of that and just told him to say "nice of you to say so"......
I don't feel false when I say them I think it is his reaction to being complimented. He does have a hard time hearing them.


Ok so he cant/wont hear compliments. But he DOES want them. <chuckle>
Thats his internal voice issues. Have you ever tried teasing him. When he does something obviously worth complimenting, you tease him that it could hae been better?

ex.
H> I just got a contract for (lotsofmoney)
Hap> what? you mean you only got (lotsofmoney)? Oh my god, we are gonna be in the poorhouse now! You should have charged (lotsofmoney +2pounds) at least. <kiss...whisper..nice job honey.>



I think you get the idea, but since he is the one with internal voice issues, mirroring them and joking with him may be more effective...