Do I hold a torch for ex-BF? Good question. I was truly glad to be out of that R. It had its good points but it was dysfunctional - very. Who dumped who? Again good question. I tried dumping him about four years in but he persuaded me not to. By year 7 he was having an EA in the end I did the actual dumping, but I guess I felt like he had dumped me - the final year of our R was a nightmare I would never wish to re-live, his behaviour was close to psychotic. The reason he comes up here is as a kind of compare and contrast exercise. I only have experience of living long-term with 2 guys and sometimes I use XBF as an illustration of what he would have done different to H when people say H is "just being a guy". I guess cuz I don't spend too much time here singing H's praises that's going to come out sounding like I am singing the praises of XBF. BTW he never gets a mention in front of my H.
In this case I was seeking to illustrate the difference between being in R where the guy feels the one-down and in a R where the guy doesn't feel that way.
The light bulbs which came popping on when I read Passion Trap were more a case of seeing where H sees himself one-down and the unattractive responses that that invokes. Unattractive qualities that previously I had just thought were "just him", I can now see are a response to one-downness. The case in the book where the guy is one-down really spoke volumes to me. I actually think he is the one who sees himself as more one-down than I see myself as one-up. He is certainly quite a status oriented and competitive character. I guess maybe one of the reasons he was attracted to me was to make himself more one-up, kind of social-climbing if you will. What he didn't reckon on was ending up feeling unworthy. I truly don't believe that was something I DID to him, I think it was all in his head and engendered behaviours which were unattractive and which polarised our relative positions.
I do compliment H a great deal. I used to do it loads when we first got together only to have such remarks rebuffed the whole time. I finally grew tired of that and just told him to say "nice of you to say so".
He said in C that my sounds false. I don't feel false when I say them I think it is his reaction to being complimented. He does have a hard time hearing them.
As for the guilt thing - well all I can say is you've never met my H! He is a master at bad vibes and making all around feel like they must have done something terrible. He told me his mum used to use guilt to make him do stuff - if you would like to see a martyr then look no further than my MIL. I remember a few years back saying something like "I don't do guilt" and he said "I know" in very pointed tones. Like he had been trying hard for years to get me to feel guilty. Lately I have felt more guilty. I think this is for two reasons, one is the kids - mothers always feel guilty somehow and particulary I felt/feel guilty about finding it so hard to make the R with their father work. The other is DBing, one of the main things we learn on these boards is to fix ourselves not our partners. So his guilt trips on me will have been finding their mark more readily. Blackfoot don't for a moment think he doesn't do it to try to control me - it is his main weapon - he even tries it on the kids. He doesn't quite say "after all I've done for you" but you can tell he wants to! They are far too young to respond to this yet, but they will.
Yes my H is a man of action. I like that about him but I also miss having a mind to mind R with someone - using the mind as a source of playfulness and delight rather than always to some "purpose".
I think the main thing that I have learned from reading this book is that Relationships are just that. It is the relative behaviour of one partner to another that matters. Someone can be totally different to the outside world to what they are to their SO. And it does make a difference if one partner feels one-up or the other partner feels one-down. The book mentions bad patterns and I think that's what's going on with us. We fell into bad patterns early on to do with him feeling unworthy of me (I never felt he was unworthy). As a result of this he a)begged for WOA, b)disliked going out with me because it made him feel insecure, c)did as he was told without putting up a fight, d)wouldn't make decisions and then told me I was controlling him, e)had me on a pedestal and therefore at a distance.
All of these behaviours, as well as being unattractive in him, made me feel unloved and as if I'd done something wrong. Which in the end makes me feel one-down
Fran
PS: Blackfoot I just realised a great thing for a guy to say when W says "how do I look" or "does this make me look fat" - just eye her up and down and say 'Well you won't put me to shame" and wink.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
