When's the last time you had an argument by yourself?
Corri
many times when I enter into a dialogue with my subconcious. It makes for a very unrestful meditation.
Fran
Your H is is a mix of attributes just like any other man. his particular mix does seem to swing from one extreme to another.
now about you.
About a year after H and I got together I embarked on a sweater for H. I never finished it.
Thats sad.
You seem to carry a torch for your ex and his positvie attributes. this is pretty common considering you were the dumped party, but its not very useful. Its also damaging to THIS R. I have never really shown him how it hurt me, I just dealt with it and carried on. No wonder he describes me as having no empathy. In fact I do have empathy – a great deal – if I did not then I would have left the R a long time ago. If you dont show it, then is it real? If he cant feel it does it exist? Who we are is shown by our actions, not how we feel on the inside.
My H controls me through guilt, through making me feel guilty for his sense of inferiority No he doesnt. You choose to feel guilty. stop being a martyr. I say that without criticism or disdain.
Lately for whatever reason I have been taking H’s sarcastic negative remarks in a humourous way, assuming he is just using gallows humour rather than moaning. It seems to be working he will laugh ironically back excellant. Now he has directly communicated to you that he desires WOA. It made him less attractive to you. I understand. What is your reason for not doing it, though? Do it. When he denigrates himself, tell him firmly and seriously, you dont like it, please stop. If he tells you to call him 'gorgeous' or the equivalant, ask him if he wants a sincere compliment from you or if he wants you to parrot him. If he cant take a compliment, try the LRS, or try directness. 'H just say thank you'. Reminds me, The woman who wanted to play my Mrs. Robinson taught me how to take a compliment. You can get started on dealing with this stuff proactively, with honesty and congruence, or you can go for another 20 years withholding and playing power games. The only reason your H can play push me pull me is because he has someone to play with.
He used to come up behind me when I was doing make-up and look in the mirror with me and say “aren’t we a good-looking couple”. If I had a bright idea or trounced him in a debate he would say with a twinkle “now you’re acting almost as intelligent as me.” Thank you for this. I really appreciate when you ladies post this stuff. Guys pay attention. This is good stuff.
I say it is easy to see, but it wouldn’t have been in the past, before I came to these boards and learnt so much more about human relationships. Quit focusing on him. Focus on what you need to do. I didnt say, would like or is easy.
he doesn’t like to talk speculatively From your description he sure seems to deliver the goods though. He is a man of action. Your R is all about your perspective. It seems there is quite a bit there worth appreciating.
I intend this post to give you hope. I do not mean it as 2x4's. You seem sad. You have the power to elicit change. If you stop competing with your H, there is a good chance he will stop deprecating himself.
