I don’t think I have any disagreement with you. I see the danger in focusing entirely on others and not your self, so I want to be clear that I do not mean to avoid introspection, or managing your own garden.
But there is still the question of knowing whether something can be moved or not. There is no way to know until you try. Sometimes the very act of trying is the validation the other person needs to then move voluntarily. Without that validation, they don’t move.
It’s sort of like the person who says s/he does not want a birthday present. But if you do what they ask and not get a present, they get mad. If you do get a present, against their stated request, there can be a noticeable change of happiness. So how do you know how much to push until you’ve pushed? Especially with a dysfunctional spouse who will not ask, does not know to ask, or does not believe s/he should ask?
Maybe it is better in some cases to let that person wallow in their resentment until s/he realizes s/he should have asked, at that it is their responsibility to honestly state their emotions. But in the mean time, a lot of water can pass under the bridge. Is that really necessary and is it the best course of action for the R?
How much of the idea of not pushing too hard is to respect the other person’s wishes and how much is out of fear of being attacked for pressing too hard? In other words, are you concerned about him/her or yourself? There is no answer, so I say do what many therapists advise, take the two individuals out of the spotlight and focus on the R. Do what is right to preserve the marriage (which is another subjective decision).
