Quote: No, I do not believe this is true. Trust comes from emotional bonding. Soothing helps create the bond. Without this, how do you propose that you build trust? My wife makes exactly this same argument. It is a deflection to maintain her walls. Just as you mentioned to HP, accepting gifts from others is much harder than giving, but only for those who avoid emotional bonding.
The context in which I said this statement is in regard to receiving soothing from someone I view has hurt me repeatedly. Someone I once trusted but now do not, for whatever reason. In order for me to receive soothing, I have to take a risk (my problem) that they will not hurt me again... which is unrealistic. We are all falible. This, to me, is where your sense of self comes into play, my ability to self-sooth.
Re-establishing emotional bonds is a tough one. But it can be done. It is not just in the soothing, but in acting as consistent as possible, creating a safe environment... and taking baby steps.
Quote: The reason I could not hear your message is that it was in terms of self differentiation, trying to be independent for one another.
Partly.
Quote: My twist on this same basic action is to stop fighting for the purpose of reestablishing that missing bond. This may seem subtle, but to my ears, there is a world of difference because it addresses my anxiety issues.
Then we agree.
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Quote: You are expecting a person to learn how to run before they know how to walk. Okay. Good luck with that.
Only from the standpoint of traditional individual based therapy.
You cannot expect someone to face a fear if they cannot muster the courage to do so... or at least have a willingness to try. Throwing someone into a pool who has a fear of water and does not know how to swim is not going to get them over their fear and teach them to swim. The opposite is probably true.
Quote: No, I do not subscribe to the serenity prayer. It is much too fatalistic.
I believe the serenity prayer, in saying 'accepting things you cannot change,' is referring to past behaviors. You cannot undo the past, and there is no reason whatsoever to wallow in self-pity, which keeps you from changing the present or the future (changing the things that you can). The wisdom in knowing the difference, I believe, is referring to acceptance, and not backsliding into self-pity or self-loathing for things which you cannot undo. Having the power to understand that you will trip and stumble, maybe even revert at times to old behaviors, but also having the conscious awareness to know that when you do slip, you pick yourself and try again.
