Quote: When fear is too high, it can block the feelings of confidence and hope. It can prevent the reprogramming from taking place. Fear is the most powerful feeling we have and it overrides everything else. That is why it must be controlled FIRST before the good stuff can emerge. How to control that fear is the issue. I say do whatever works. If that means getting support from your spouse, then do it. If you need to climb to the top of the Himalayas to find enlightenment, then do it.
Ah yes, the plot thickens. Fear is directly linked to power struggles. All kinds of fears, real or imagined. However, and I believe this... it only takes one person in the R to begin to lose fears for change to take place. You, yourself, are proof of that.
You are still struggling with some of them, and you will tackle them one at a time, as you are ready. Some of the personal fears you've thus far faced have removed the potency from your W's power plays, i.e., her divorce threats. So in a round about way, you are actually proving my point.
Quote: I see nothing wrong in looking to your spouse for support, and having hope that s/he will provide that. This is exactly what perfectly healthy couples do with interdependency.
But you are not part of a perfectly healthy R, and to expect behaviors of a healthy R in a dysfunctional R, I think, can bring a lot of pressure to an already struggling relationship. That doeesn't mean those behaviors cannot be the goal, but to expect them to appear before the fears and power struggles are resolved, IMHO, are putting the cart before the horse. But I also think we agree on that point.
But back to what got this whole convo started to begin with was Fran talking about "The Passion Trap." The One-Up vs. the One-Down. That dynamic typically happens through power struggles... and power struggles are often based purely on real or imagined fear.
Fear between people is often bred through the dismantling of trust. Trust is often broken through poor communication and lack of honesty. That typically comes about because we do not feel we can be, nor may not know how to be, our authentic selves. I mean really, how many of us have actually figured that out?
I know you think it is easy for me to say these things because I am now out of a tension filled R. But I can tell you, the introspection that came on the heels of that break-up far out weighs the self-realizations I had prior.
In long-term Rs, the line between where I stop and another begins often times gets blurry.... if for no other reason than simple longevity and habit. The sense of self, and Who Am I, can get lost, because you always view yourself in the context of the R.
When I got out of my M... I have to tell you... I had a major identity crisis, and that really shocked me. I realized I had never had a solid sense of self to begin with... and through 16 years of marriage, it just got blurred even further. That, to me, is the greatest mistake I made in my M. I don't fault myself for it. As you say, how can you blame yourself for not knowing something? But in not having a solid sense of self, I could never ever figure out what I feared, what I struggled against or with or why... for I had not idea who "I" was...
I could be wrong, but I think what The Passion Trap did for Fran was bring into focus for her the blurred line between her and her H. Where one stops and another begins, and HOW that happens to begin with.
This, to me, is the first step towards awareness. I cannot contemplate myself within the context of an R if I don't know who I am in absence of that context. And once you become AWARE of it... it changes everything. Everything.
It has already started happening with you. You had the courage to own Who You Are and What You Want, and you are not apologizing for it. I'm not so sure your W has come to the same realizations yet... and as you well know... it is a DAM HARD place to get to.
But now that you know this... you don't have to fight about it. You don't need anyone's approval for it (especially your wife's)... you just be it. Consistently. As you become more solid and confident in Who You Are, the arguments begin to fade... because your boundaries become more clear. That doesn't mean you are going to get a happy marriage, it doesn't mean that divorce won't eventually happen... doesn't mean it will. It just means you now have the very best shot you've ever had at making it work... for you are becoming authentic. Gradually, your need to have your wife BE a certain way will fade... you'll give it up and stay out of her sh!t because you have a life to live. And she will have choices to make. The more authentic you become, the more consistent you stay with that... the less you will feel a need to engage in her pettiness... and when she has no one to engage, no one to struggle against... she will be left staring at herself. Things WILL begin to happen. What they are, I don't know. But change WILL happen. You are already seeing it.
Does that make any sense? Sounds sort of idealistic, simplistic, I know...
