I think we are passing by each other but see the same things. I agree that hope comes from within, just a self confidence comes from within, and being alpha. No one else can do that for you, it is a purely individual and self centered state of being. But it is an emotional condition, a way of thinking and FEELING. Some of this is innate, genetic. How we react due to those factors cannot be changed. But the rest is environmental, learned, and conditioned. This part can be reprogrammed.
When fear is too high, it can block the feelings of confidence and hope. It can prevent the reprogramming from taking place. Fear is the most powerful feeling we have and it overrides everything else. That is why it must be controlled FIRST before the good stuff can emerge. How to control that fear is the issue. I say do whatever works. If that means getting support from your spouse, then do it. If you need to climb to the top of the Himalayas to find enlightenment, then do it.
I see nothing wrong in looking to your spouse for support, and having hope that s/he will provide that. This is exactly what perfectly healthy couples do with interdependency. Expecting that support and consciously and overtly manipulating the other to get it is not what I am proposing, though I can see situations when even that might be a necessary last gasp strategy. At those times,
Mojo,
I agree with what you are saying. Acting “as if” you were going through with D can bring about the needed changes in both people. Confronting that prospect brought about changes in my marriage. But with your Hairdog example, moving into a trailer has the added consideration of the effect on the kids. I know he is concerned about that, as we all are in our relationships.
This guilt issue seems to be a big problem for some, at least more than what I have personally experienced. I might regret having done something in the past, but I do not feel guilty for it because I realize that I did not know then what I know now. My actions then were simply out of ignorance. No one can be faulted for that.
So why the guilt? If you really did know then what you know now, then I can understand. You consciously chose a decision against your ethics and beliefs. But what if that is not the case? How much of guilt is based in playing the victim or even the martyr? In this case could the guilt really be an internalized call for sympathy and compassion? Is the person subconsciously wanting to the rescued? Does holding onto the guilt allow you to hold on to the anger, anger at yourself, and avoid the scary intimacy that might arise from the emotional reconciliation with your spouse?
Does holding onto guilt also give you a one-up position because you have learned the error of your ways, you are willing to acknowledge and accept your punishment (what ever that may be) and you are now a better person for doing so? Is it a sort of Jesus complex, that through suffering you are now the more noble and moral, one-up person?
