Oh! so that explains it.

[heatherg]

Indeed, this is a very interesting thread.

H was one-up when we met and he was able to keep that balance for a very long time because of...guess? GUILT. I was guilty of a sordid past. Guilty of betraying a person I'd never even met yet, will all of my indiscretions. An older more mature girl would have looked at my H and said "Get a clue dude, this had nothing to freakin do with you. I was going through a troubled time, butcha know what? I'm better now, so fahgeta bout it". But I didn't say that. In fact, the drama was endless. And it wasn't until I got to the point where I truly would not take anymore of his controlling BS (about 3 yrs into the R) that the balance started to shift. And H couldn't fight the shift in balance because he was too busy tending to his alcoholic callings and probably felt one-down as a result of that anyway, so might as well let the pendulum swing. Fast forward to now. H has the one-up again. Why? Guess....GUILT. I feel guilty about what I did to myself, what I did to my family, what I did to H. Guilt has been eating me up. But much to H's dismay, he hasn't seen the pendulum swing entirely back in his direction-being one-up doesn't feel like it did back when I was a young girl. This time, despite my mistake, I'm still strong, I still make good money, I'm still a good Mom, I still take care of myself, my family and friends still love me. And so he keeps me in the one-down as best he can because he knows if he lets go of these last few things, I'll be in the one-up again. So, he keeps me down by insisting that I haven't done enough, haven't tried enough, blah blah blah.
So, if history repeats itself, what have I got to do folks? It's like DUH! Just be done with the guilt. That means sleeping in my own bed. That means not accompanying him on his trips down guilty lane. I'm not playing anymore. You cannot use guilt against someone who doesn't feel guilty-I just heard that the other day at my son's football practice. The girls were talking, all the H's were absent and they were talking about their infidel spouses. One of them said, 'you can use the guilt to your advantage for a really long time'. The other said 'well, they have to feel guilty in order for that to work'. So, can I make a distinction at this point between guilt and regret? Because I can't forget about the A altogether and H certainly never will. So, I don't feel guilty anymore. Guilt serves no purpose anymore. Regret OTOH will always have a place in my heart.

Mojo, you had some really good points in your post

I think part of the reason people generally try to have "even-steven" relationships is that if you feel as though your partner has nothing obvious to gain or lose by being paired with you in a relationship then you are free to believe that they love you for the special mysterious, not-so-obvious thing that makes you you.


It is much easier to believe someone loves you for you when there aren't obvious advantages to being with you. Such is life for Hollywood people and why very wealthy people may choose to withhold that info until well into a R.

That is why I think those of us who have gotten to the point of being willing to divorce have seen more success. Not because our partner is "scared straight" and responding to the threat but because in order to get to the point where we are willing/able to suggest divorce as an option, we have had to improve our own functioning to the extent that it doesn't seem like such a scary option.

Perfectly said.