Oh! so that explains it.

[MJontheMend]

This is an interesting thread. I was watching a Friends-like sit-com with my daughter a while back in which the characters were talking about relationships and finding "the One". One of the characters said "The One is the person who you think is a little too good for you but they like you too.". I think part of the reason people generally try to have "even-steven" relationships is that if you feel as though your partner has nothing obvious to gain or lose by being paired with you in a relationship then you are free to believe that they love you for the special mysterious, not-so-obvious thing that makes you you.

I think Corri made some good points about competition. From my POV, I think you can know that you're out of competition mode when you can drop your anger or feelings of martyrdom. However, unfortunately, I don't know if this has much to do with the further success of any relationship. There are people who have been divorced for 20 years who still carry feelings of anger or martyrdom towards their ex-spouse and there actually are people who are able to drop the competition and bad feelings but end up amicably divorcing because they recognize that their needs/wants aren't being met in a relationship but they no longer blame their spouse for not being capable or willing to meet those needs. I don't think you can get closer to having a happy marriage without simultaneously getting closer to having an amicable divorce. By doing all the same things that you might do in order to prepare yourself for an amicable divorce, you will necessarily improve your marriage. If you consider an amicable divorce (or the emotional/practical equivalent for those unable to divorce for religious reasons)to be the opposite of a happy marriage then you will necessarily become more fused and conflicted. That is why I think those of us who have gotten to the point of being willing to divorce have seen more success. Not because our partner is "scared straight" and responding to the threat but because in order to get to the point where we are willing/able to suggest divorce as an option, we have had to improve our own functioning to the extent that it doesn't seem like such a scary option. The reverse is also true. I'll use poor Hairdog as an example. What if he were to say to MsHD the next time she makes it clear that no sex is forthcoming any time in the future "Okay, but I guess I might move forward with my plan to live in a trailer with a college girl.". If he was really okay with this alternate plan for his life then there would be little reason to be angry with MsHD for turning him down or feel martyred if he continues in the marriage. Also, the extent to which he might feel guilty in following through with this plan would depend on his ability to understand that any anger MsHd was expressing was simply a reflection of whatever low functioning she might have that would limit her options for continued happiness beyond their marriage. Thus, the person who wants to have a happy marriage should improve their own functioning to the extent that they can envision themselves as an amicable participant in a divorce and do what they can to help their partner improve their functioning to the extent that they would be better able to function post-marriage also, thereby mitigating their anger. However, both things that you might do to prepare for an amicable divorce will also lead to a happier marriage so the less necessary divorce might be at all. I think what it all boils down to is you have to get over the feeling that you need to be angry at someone in order to leave them and once you get over this feeling you might find it easier to stay.