Oh! so that explains it.

[haphazard]

Cobra:
You said:
I think your H is in a power struggle because he is trying to protect himself, trying to find who he is and rise out of the self hatred and insecurity. He is not the independent, loner type or he would have left a long time ago. I know he had the affair, but was his intention to really leave? If so, why did he come back? Maybe that was the only way he knew to call out for help and comfort.
Yes it was completely a cry for help just as Heather’s was. He came back for many reasons some of which I can only guess at. One reason was because I didn’t beg him to. The OW gave him an ultimatum, he came to me to say she had told him to decide and said I had “20 minutes to convince me to stay” I said I couldn’t convince him it was entirely up to him to decide what to do, both for the M and for the kids but that it was up to him. That seemed to do it. He came back because she was a nutter. He came back because I said sorry. After that we put the issue away, he kept being remorseful and I kept saying “water under the bridge”, “both had our part to play” etc.


Now if that is true, you have a role to play. Why did he have to resort to such drastic action to get your attention? [colour:blue] I’m not sure, of course there was the pull from OW’s side, but he felt his needs were not being met. I did not feel mine were either. When he begged me to meet his it felt like whining – I was SAHM and the kids were aged 3 and 1 at the time, the youngest still wasn’t sleeping through. If I mentioned I might have needs too he would say let’s not play tit for tat
Why do you consider yourself better looking, more attractive, more successful? Why would you marry someone like him in the first place? Could it be to make yourself feel more attractive and successful?
When I met H he was 21 and I was 27, he was a placement student where I worked, I was his boss, there were a lot of bees buzzing around this particular honeypot at the time but he happened to get there first and I felt safe I guess putting him between me and them. I was going through the break-up with BF at the time my whole life seemed incredibly complicated and he was a comfort – like a teddy bear – and not too much maintenance. He himself has stated on numerous occasions that I am better looking, that he loves me more than I do him, that he is unworthy of me, that I am more intelligent. Other people mention they think I am younger than he is, tell me I could do so much better, etc. I don’t think all of these things are true by any means but when you keep hearing it…
Ex-BF and I were much more equal. We were the same age, we were both students when we met. He used to come up behind me when I was doing make-up and look in the mirror with me and say “aren’t we a good-looking couple”. If I had a bright idea or trounced him in a debate he would say with a twinkle “now you’re acting almost as intelligent as me.” I was devastated by the break-up – that is clearly why I hooked up with H, chicken-soup for the soul, he’s always been a sweetie-pie. He is very intelligent and he had the makings of the successful professional he has turned out to be even back then, he was miles ahead of any of the other placement students I managed so I wasn’t marrying a complete loser. I think what fixed it was that we went away back-packing together for a year – kind of forced together us against the world and a bonding experience. While we were away he said “will we live together when we get back” and I said off the cuff “not unless you marry me” I didn’t really mean it that way – I just felt I’d been burned by living with ex-BF and I wanted to focus the mind and not just drift into another living together arrangement – so it was just a statement of intent that I wasn’t going to be living with anyone that I wasn’t married to. He took me at my word and two days later asked me to marry him. I accepted, I guess it felt like comfort and safety.

What fears are you hiding behind that façade, fears that prevent you from giving to your H what he needs (whether those needs are immature or not)?
Good question – really hard for me to see, if I could reveal them here I guess I could reveal them to H, but I think whatever they are they are buried pretty deep. Essentially I think we got together when I was in a pathological state (a temporary pathological state). We stayed together because of unusual reasons (much like you and Mrs Cobra – though not quite so irrevocable). The arrangement was stable, not perfect, but fine and stable – until the kids came along. We’d been married 9 years so I guess adapting to the change was difficult by that point. I think he was kind of resigned to existing on crumbs from the table of the adored as the crumbs were reasonably substantial and I was resigned to being flattered, charmed and spoilt rather than enjoying a close intimacy. In a way it was the lack of intimacy which shoved me in the direction of motherhood – I needed more connection and as he wouldn’t/couldn’t provide it I thought kids would. Unfortunately what neither of us foresaw was that the crumb supply would dry up and his reaction to that would be so immediate (2 days after S7 was born) and so intense. I couldn’t recover from the onslaught of his recrimination – I guess he saw S as a rival for my affections and since he must have felt supply was short in the first place he couldn’t cope with having to share. When he left he said “I can’t compete with the kids” – my reply was that he shouldn’t have to. In other words that he’s not a kid.

He feels he does everything for you because he wants you to do everything for him. Isn’t that easy to see?
Yes and I would prefer him to do more for himself. I am quite happy without a manservant (as he used to be in the early stages) and I certainly don’t want to have to reciprocate that. I say it is easy to see, but it wouldn’t have been in the past, before I came to these boards and learnt so much more about human relationships. Before it was impossible to see because I couldn’t put myself in those shoes. Equally the WOA that he was so fond of showering me with, too much but it is obvious now that that is what he wanted to hear coming back. I wanted independence and for him to have independence, I wanted quality time – in other words a meeting of minds, chatter, connection, a mutual appreciation of each other’s minds in the same way that you can have a mutual appreciation of each other’s bodies. He found that buggy and annoying, he prefers silence and time to himself, he also prefers to do than to talk. I also think he doesn’t like talking about anything where he doesn’t have expertise, he doesn’t like to talk speculatively. He doesn’t like to be outwitted in a debate so he doesn’t like to enter into it. I like pitching wits, and I feel admiration for someone who can outwit me (after I’ve put up a good fight – LOL) but he’s uncomfortable in that territory.

But his poor self esteem and self image prevent him from accepting your gifts and feeling good about himself when you do give him what he wants. He traps you in a catch 22. Why? Maybe he is comfortable in that role, because then he won’t have to confront the scary notion of becoming intimate and vulnerable with you.Yes And you with him. Yes


Fran