I think your H is in a power struggle because he is trying to protect himself, trying to find who he is and rise out of the self hatred and insecurity. He is not the independent, loner type or he would have left a long time ago. I know he had the affair, but was his intention to really leave? If so, why did he come back? Maybe that was the only way he knew to call out for help and comfort.
Now if that is true, you have a role to play. Why did he have to resort to such drastic action to get your attention? Why do you consider yourself better looking, more attractive, more successful? Why would you marry someone like him in the first place? Could it be to make yourself feel more attractive and successful? What fears are you hiding behind that façade, fears that prevent you from giving to your H what he needs (whether those needs are immature or not)?
He feels he does everything for you because he wants you to do everything for him. Isn’t that easy to see? But his poor self esteem and self image prevent him from accepting your gifts and feeling good about himself when you do give him what he wants. He traps you in a catch 22. Why? Maybe he is comfortable in that role, because then he won’t have to confront the scary notion of becoming intimate and vulnerable with you. And you with him.
I agree that guilt plays into your sitch, but I think it is a symptom and not the core issue. The recommendations you state from the book are exactly what is needed. I do believe that ONLY the one-down can fix his/her own sense self esteem and confidence. But the spouse can help more than anyone else, just as you would boost confidence in your child (did your H ever get that kind of boost from his parents?) That includes boundaries to prevent your H from leaning too heavily on you and taking the easy way out.
I am coming to see this more and more as a weaning process, just like those studies of the insecurely attached baby monkeys who are afraid to leave their mother. Those babies can be rehabilitated. With people it takes time, compassion, and AWARENESS on the part of both partners that they are working on a real, identifiable problem, and not just falling back into familiar, dysfunctional roles. The mother monkey has to keep nudging the baby out into the real world, as scary as it is for both of them.
