I truly believe that once ONE person in the R truly understands the pure destructiveness of power plays, or competing, within an R and STOPS doing it... the R can and WILL change.
Maybe, maybe not. Understanding the issues is one thing, feeling differently about them is another. I think there are plenty of people here who understand their relationship dynamics perfectly well, yet cannot get a change to come about. I think that if only one person is aware of the problems from power plays, competition, etc, they can stop SOME of the destruction, but not all of it. The R might change from one screwed up state to another, but that may not be enough to save the marriage.
The only hope as I see it is for BOTH people to see what they need to see, however that needs to be done. Not pushing too hard for change out of respect for the “rights” or beliefs of your spouse could be a dodge to avoid guilt, guilt in the present. Later, after the D, that guilt may come back to haunt you as you realize the things you could have done to save the marriage had you just pushed harder. Which is better to avoid – guilt today or guilt in the future?
OTOH, pushing hard enough to force a change in the R for sake of opening the other person’s eyes so they can learn what they need to know (whatever it is that they don’t know until they know it) could save the R. The guilt is that you may have “manipulated” the other person. But isn’t it easier for that “manipulated” person to forgive the other because that “manipulation” was really for the best interests of the marriage and resulted in something that “manipulated” person is thankful for – a happy R?
