I also have the book on order, but by what you describe, it sounds a lot like the pursuer/avoider and adult attachment dynamic.
Burgbud,
Based on what Hap describes, I would have to agree with you that this type of approach (like just focusing on pursuer/avoider) is really focusing on symptoms only. That is why I like the attachment theory so much. It explains things without “pathologizing” or assigning blame, and goes to the FOO issues to identify the source of the problem. Once that is understood, then the symptoms make start to make sense, whether they are one-up, one-down, or a combination of the two.
My wife and I also went through a period of identifying each other’s behavior as evidence of one disorder or another. That did little good since we were not addressing the core issue and without that understanding, you really do not know how to fix things. It was all deflection. Going through some rote behavior or exercise to fix the problem started to seem false and hollow. We started to make headway when we began to understand WHY we each react as we do, which means confronting our fears. That allows the emotional bonds to develop, which is the key objective I think.
