Oh! so that explains it.

[haphazard]

Just been reading the Passion Trap by Dean Delius. Thanks to whoever posted that book recommendation - and sorry for not remembering who . It is an excellent book - I flew through it. Goes a long way to explaining my sitch and I think a long way to explaining a lot of others on this board.

To give you a brief synopsis the idea is that a lot of Rs become (or start out) inbalanced in terms of who is the one-up and who is the one-down. Once a couple polarise into these positions they start exhibiting behaviours which only make the situation worse. So for example the one-down may regard the one-up as a real “catch” and themselves as somewhat unworthy, so they go into what Delius calls hyper-courtship mode (shades of Hairdog, Chrome (to some extent), and quite a few others). It is Delius’ theory that mild anxiety about the relationship is what causes feelings of passion and desire, once we feel too secure in a R we start to take it for granted or even become contemptuous of the OP. So these hyper-courtship behaviours make the one-up feel too secure. We don’t want what comes too easily.

Have you ever noticed how completely indifferent kids can be to a toy until another kid wants it?

It makes some kind of sense – why waste energy on something that you’ll get anyway. You don’t see people rushing round making sure they’ve got enough air to breathe, food - yes, water - yes, oil – certainly; and all the more so if they think supplies might dry up or someone else might get to it first. Why are we all so off-hand with our mothers – because mother love comes for free.

The one-up partner therefore wastes little energy on the R, thus making the one-down more anxious and even more desperate to keep hold of the one-up and therefore more inclined to engage in clingy, needy, overly-compliant behaviour. The more energy the one-down invests the less the one-up feels any need to invest.

So how come the one-up doesn’t just dump the one-down? Well why cut off your supplies? Also guilt plays a major part – the feeling of being something of a heel, a bad person. The one-up’s self-esteem tells him/her they are a good person so they stay in the R to prove it. So the one-up tries to be nice to the one-down but somehow it always misses the mark – their heart isn’t really in it. Of course the one-down sees this and becomes resentful. Resentment leads to passive aggressive tactics (like LDness, although of course the one-up is equally likely to fall into an LD pattern through not feeling enough desire for the one-down). I think it quite likely that LD/HD dynamic is the same as the one-up/one-down dynamic. Often the one-down partner becomes LD as a piece of one-upmanship to retaliate in a R where they feel one-down. But equally the one-up can practise LDness as it is essentially one-upmanship.

The really interesting thing about this book is that it doesn’t try and explain everything in terms of bad FOO. It doesn’t try to pathologize us for having bad Rs, perfectly healthy people can end up with bad R dynamics due to an inbalance. It is often the case that we will fall for someone with higher attraction power than ourselves – a “dream date”. When the dream date agrees to enter the R we are bowled over and do everything in our power to maintain the R. Why does the dream date agree – usually because of a knock back to their self-esteem – either love or career related. They are feeling in the need of a little spoiling.

This goes such a long way to explaining my R. There is totally nothing wrong with H’s FOO, there’s not really that much wrong with mine either although it was more dysfunctional than H’s. The real reason for our bad R dynamics is a strange combination of one-up one-downness. When we first got together I was certainly the one-up. Better looking, earning more, older than my H. The reason we hooked up was because I needed nurturing (just had a bad break-up) – this is a classic reason why many people hook up with a glaring one-down. My H certainly engaged in many hyper-courtship behaviours, he just couldn’t do enough for me. This made him weak in my eyes and less desirable. So he became resentful. His behaviour towards me for most of our M has been characterised by resentment. And I would say - having read this book – fear. An example is that he hardly ever takes me out, and often if we went out with friends or to parties he would come over tired/ill and drag us home early. I never understood it before but now I do – he felt outshone and he felt nervous and jealous – it’s enough to make anyone feel sick. He needed to exert control over me and get me all to himself. Whenever he did that it made me feel as if I was doing something wrong – I’ve always felt like I’m doing something wrong and I’ve never been able to understand what. Now it is clear – I just am wrong because I hurt him by making him feel less-than. It is no-one’s fault. There is no reason for me to feel guilty – it sounds big-headed but it’s just a fact of life. I am more attractive, more intelligent and more socially out-going than my H. He would have been happier married to someone more his equal. I get my self-esteem dragged down by the feeling that I am not a nice person. I am a perfectly nice person but it is difficult to not act condescending from a pedestal. If I was married to Johnny Depp I would quickly feel inferior and the sense of inferiority in his presence would make me feel like he was being mean. To be honest H is not really much inferior to me he just started out in the R feeling inferior and it became a bad R dynamic. His sense of inferiority meant he was overly-compliant making me less respectful to him.

However since we became parents he became the one-up, the resentment he’d been holding for all those years spilled out and he really put the boot in. This is why he keeps screaming about power and control. I have controlled him all these years – without even knowing I’m doing it – he has put himself under my control by his fear of losing me. That’s why he so blatantly pulls out the trump card of his earning power – he is saying “look, look I am the one-up, stop behaving like I am still that poor benighted fool I once was”. Delius also describes the hidden one-up – the one-up that gives the appearance of being the one-down and I think that in fact this is what I have become. Which makes it all the harder – he feels he SHOULD be the one-up now and can’t figure out why he isn’t. That’s why he keeps calling me a control freak even though I’m truly not. I feel I should be placating him but my efforts to do so are puny – they are puny because how could I possibly make up for all his years of feeling one-down. Delius describes the one-up as being the executive decision maker of the R – in other words the one who decides if the R continues or not. Boy is this true in our case. When I DB’d three years ago and got H home my sister said at the time “you’re showing him if anyone does the dumping it’ll be you”. Here is a link to an old thread of mine showing how I was feeling after I DB’d him home – it is classic one-up.

Went for Gold - got the bronze The R went back downhill again when my mum was dying, I couldn’t invest even the small amount of energy it took to keep him happy in a one-down position and he again grew resentful and acted out. Delius describes one-downs as having sudden explosions of rage – this is certainly the case with my H. This goes such a long way to explaining why people can behave as if they have a personality disorder within the R while being perfectly healthy individuals in any other setting.

All his self-destructive behaviours, his passive aggressive behaviours, everything fits perfectly into this model. And my inability to get things right for him fits too. Unless he can stop feeling one-down (and I can stop feeling one-up) everything I do to try to make things better will fall flat – which is exactly what I’ve been struggling with. It’s so weird, I remember knitting ex-BF a sweater – I did it with love, it took ages, I designed it myself so it was unique. I embroidered “I love you” into the inside of the collar. It fit him perfectly and he wore it with pride. About a year after H and I got together I embarked on a sweater for H. I never finished it. One-ups are often made out to be the villain by the one-down. How could anyone not be villainous that did not match their total devotion. No wonder Mrs HD is looking so evil here. She is not really a cruel person, she just doesn’t have to work for anything HD gives her so it is valueless to her, she cannot match his inbalanced devotion – same with Mrs Chrome. One-downs tend not to stand up to their one-ups for fear of further distancing them – in fact the opposite effect is achieved. If they did stand up for themselves the one-up would have more respect for them and healthy anxiety would re-enter their side of the equation. I remember a time at the start of our R when we were ML, H asked me to call him “gorgeous” – I nearly choked on it. The very fact of him asking made him instantly less gorgeous. In fact if I think about it so many compliments I’ve given him and most of the ILYs have been dragged out of me. This is pure anxiety on his part, his anxiety has caused him to fish for compliments which makes me feel even less like giving them. Left to my devices I probably would compliment and say ILY more and mean it more.

His more recent behaviours are showing one-down pride. One-downs who have their pride will mimic one-up behaviours by withdrawing or telling the OP how they can shape up to meet their needs. One-downs generally ask for empathy and caring from the one-ups and one-ups generally want one-downs to change something about themselves – to become more worthy of them.

It’s so interesting – this is about the only R book I have read recently (with the exception of 5LL) that I really feel H could/would/should read. All the other books I’ve either felt he wouldn’t bother with or he’d just use them to pathologize me.

Heather’s R would fit so neatly into this model. Especially as she describes her H as not having had a bad childhood. Her descriptions of how she would do anything for him in the early years show how much she was the one-down and he the one-up. Heather and my H are examples of one-downs who acted out by having an A. This is why we accepted them back after the A, as one-ups get to call the shots on who ends the R. This is why Heather’s H is still so unforgiving of her his one-upness does not allow him to forgive her for having the cheek to do such a thing. Generally one-downs who forgive after an affair end up dealing with repeat offenders.
Mojo is/was also the one-down – hence her H’s demands that she lose weight or pretty herself up. Lil is one-up, Hairdog one-down, Cemar one-down (I think), Chrome one-down, Cobra – that’s difficult I have a feeling he is a hidden one-down or possibly a hidden one-up but because his W gets to end the R I feel it is she that is the hidden one-up. HappyGiant one-up. Lou one-up (I think). Often the one-ups fall into the trap of staying in a R because the one-down is so needy/sick. Initially it is a boost to the self-esteem “look at me aren’t I good”. Gradually though, drip by drip, the self-esteem is damaged via guilt. Guilt at not being able to fix the person, guilt at feeling so angry towards them, guilt at selling yourself short, guilt at not loving them enough. All this adds up to feeling like a bad person, and every complaint they make is another blow to the self esteem. One-ups often have happy widow/widower fantasies. The funeral is where they get to be released from guilt. And when this fantasy enters your head you end up feeling yet more guilty.

There are lots of strategies in the book for how to make your R regain its balance. One-downs need to GAL for example – their new-found confidence makes them more attractive to their partners. One-ups need to free themselves from guilt (a big one for me) and open up more to their partners (and there was me thinking my H had to open up more to me – LOL). When I really think about it I have never let my H see my vulnerable side, every blow he has dealt in this R I have never really shown him how it hurt me, I just dealt with it and carried on. No wonder he describes me as having no empathy. In fact I do have empathy – a great deal – if I did not then I would have left the R a long time ago.

Well I said it would be brief but it turned out long! Get a copy – it really does describe the inner workings of so many M’s and it also has good ways to start relating differently.

Fran