LBS...STOP

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

CM;

I read through your thread and about half of the posts.
You are getting good advice from a lot of people.

Did you read through the newest one found here.

However, there are two things that bother me, really
bother me.

1. The degrading name you called your W. I know that you
didn't mean to say that, but you did. Whatever would posess you to think that, much less say it? The woman
that you asked to marry you, the woman that you love so
much and are literally dying to get back, the woman who
bore your children!!
Do you have any idea what that did to your M? Some women
can overlook the name and some cannot. You really hurt
her...bad. Unless you know for a fact that she's sleeping
all over town AND getting paid for it, you need to lose
that piece out of your vocabulary. It's equivalent to
calling an African-American the "N" word. You can apologize from here to eternity, but your W will never
forgive you.

I know she is sleeping with another man. She has admitted it as recently as today. I know that I called her that out of anger. She had just hurt me by saying that she hated me. And a few other choice words she had been calling me. It was one shot that I do regret and have apologized for. I don't know if it did any good but I had to apologize.

2. You and your W need to separate from each other for
about three months. Yes, there are kids and your business
that will keep you connected; but you both need to be in
separate corners, now. You need to start listening to
yourself and finding out what it is that you want.
You need to lay off calling her or OM or even TM.

We will have been separated 6 weeks as of this friday. She wants to go over D paperwork on Thurs. with me. Paperwork that she downloaded and supposedly already filled out. I don't call her anymore except for the kids. That's it...period. She will call me on occassion but very rarely. she called the kids while i was typing this and talked to our D. She then asked to talk to me and it was a lighthearted convo. Nothing but kid talk and dinner talk.

My main concern is that I'm not convinced that you even
love her anymore. IMO, I feel that b/c she has the OM,
you feel desparately ignored.

I do feel ignored. I have felt ignored for a while. It does hurt me. It does anger me that she gives her all to someone else and then tells me that she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me. I need to not even look her direction right now and look at me and my actions. Actions that I can change. I can call her names all I want or tell her ILY all I want, but my actions have to show it. The OM hurts. But I have to look past that. My wrongs were my wrongs in the past and I have to own up to those and find the better man in there somewhere. I'm slowly learning that he is just her drug of choice right now.

Your "gloating" about
how she's going to feel when you do this and that...
really disturbs me. That's not misguided love, that is
something more sinister. There's more to this case than
you're letting us to believe...there's more to this story.

Intially (as of last tuesday) I wanted her to see the error of her ways so bad. I know that this is about me right now, but something inside of me wanted to shake her. I see the pain on my D's face and feel the pain in my heart and I wanted her to know what we are going through. She wouldn't see or hear it, so I'm trying to move on to the best of my ability. Sinister?? NO....Hurt and Down??...YES Human?? Most definitely!!!

You need to get into some anger management classes; work
closer with a Therapist. There is definitely more that
you haven't told us.

i work with a T on a weekly basis. And the only thing that I haven't mentioned on this board was that I had cancer as a child and lost my right eye. Other than that I feel I have been completely honest. We are both recovering addicts. we met in treatment. I come from a laid back talk about everything family, she come from a conservative Baptist family. I'm willing to tell all if it helps me.

IMO, honestly, I feel you are in love with the idea of love, that you love being married - but, none of it has
anything to do with your W.

I fell like it has everything to do with my W. When I first met her I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I do become attached easily, but I wasn't in any R with anyone for 3 years before I met her. I even told my parents 1 month after meeting her that I thought she was the one.

The fear of being left behind paralyzes you to move forward. I really don't feel that you love her, it's as
though you depend on her for your existence.

I stated this in one of my posts. I am codependant. I went from one drug of choice (alcohol) to another. She is my addiction and that is something my C and I are working through. She is my drug of choice. I give it this analogy..:
When I had to quit drinking and doing drugs I was giving up my best friend. I had to grieve that. If you were to have taken a bottle of vodka and put it in my hand and told me..."You need to hold this and look at it, sniff it, feel it, even pour it on your fingers.....but you can't taste it!" That would have been hard for me. That is the way I view this sitch. I'm losing my drug of choice...my W!

It also seems to me that when she leaves, you will go out
of your way to make her life miserable. Conquer and destroy.

Last Tuesday....yes. Most certainly. Today. No. I see hope for us. D or no D. I am not ready to give up on this. I need to at least keep or start a friendship again b/c of our kids. I am feeling my true care and love for her a little at a time. To destroy her I would be destroying the best mother that I could ever ask for.

There is a much darker side to you than you let on...
I need to know what that is...

I'm not sure. I'm impulsive. that has always gotten me in trouble. Especially with my words. I don't feel as if I'm Sinister or have a darker side. Your post has really made me look at me. I thank you for that. I'm seeing what I don't like about myself. My self-esteem is shot right now. I'm in a hole, but I just found the first rung of the ladder the other day and I'm working my way up. I'm not chasing my tail as fast as I was.

Please give me your take on my response and feel free to use my latest thread if you'd like.

Thank you 12102006!