I'm speachless, I've seen you post before, but this post has hit home so hard it isnt' even funny, I fell of the DB wagon head first and the damage is yet to come. I've been posting since last year, I thought I made some progress, but in a rage of PMS and hormones I went crazy and well, screwed up.
Please read my post on believingIsea's thread, I had to change my name 'cause my H has come to check my post, I'm not a newbie, but for all accounts I'm starting back to 0. My post is from yesterday, the name was cat03, I usually post on the piecing forum but come most of the time too.
All the stuff you mention at the beginning of this thread I did it this weekend, and 3times worse. My H still has to read the crazy text msg I sent last night.
How bad was I? I attempted to get drunk for the first time last night, ever...and I've always hated alcohol w/a vengance. Prob didnt' do it right LoL, was just dizzy and my left eye was numb. Boy my H is going to get hit w/a ton of bricks when he reads his textmsg today.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
I'm no Number lady but here's my 2 cents. I believe in taking responsibility for actions. If you feel what you did (text message) was wrong/hurtful then I would send another text or phone and apologize. Yes, apologize. Your H is not responsible for your behaviour no matter how hurt you feel (and probably righteously so). I would tell him that you were very emotional at that time and you are going to concentrate on getting yourself together, then, do it! Thankfully DB is a wagon you can always jump back onto. I hope this was helpful. I'm sure Number lady will be with you shortly
thanks whatisis, maybe I should, he'll be reading it in about 3hrs, I was wondering what do do? I really meant everyword I said but I spit it out in a horrible way.
It pretty much said that I was going to give his wine a try to numb my pain (I don't drink nor gotten drunk in my life) that it was sad how he trusted that f'ing whore w/his health (had unprotected sex) when she didn't even want a serious R w/him (would make him only call her friend, didnt' want to be call 'girlfriend' ) but here I was, giving him my all and he still could not even forgive me (he told me that night he still didnt' trust me) for finding out (went through his locke room & found out he had a PA instead of an EA) he was screwing and dining a sorry excuse for a woman. . . then, I went in for the kill, I -yes, stupidly- the night before wanted him to tell me how much better i was than her in bed, to tell me some thing, ANYthing to make me believe he likes being w/me and that I make him feel good or even better... he wouldnt' do it, told me we were diffent people and that he just didn't know what to say to me; so I ended the text msg with "well, at least she was a much better piece of a$$"
That is NOT the person I am, i never talked that way, nor drink nor curse, but I lost it, I want to mostly blame my pms hormones but the fact that he still doesn't validate me nor make me feel like he at least cares for me by talking/holding me made me loose my judgement and forget that clawing at my H for affection isnt' going to work.
...but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
piecing after separation
I hope you were able to contact him in time!!!! I'd say call right away and explain things!!!!
When I've done something stupid I immediately tell my husband what I've done, why I did it, what I was thinking and apologize. Even though I've been pretty good so far (1000x better than the other affair he had 12 years ago), I'm still reacting sometimes.
I do think it softens the blow when you warn them first.
By the way, thanks Number Person for the excellent post here! You've made a good point of how many of us are learning these things and should know better, but are still behaving in unhealthy ways. I'm guilty of this. I'm going to copy out your post and put it in my notes. Thanks again for the insight!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Well, think about it like smoking cigarettes...they say ever cigarette takes how many seconds/minutes off your life, on average????
Every nosedive off the DB wagon likewise results in a few more hours/days/weeks we most likely add on to getting past things. But just like the occasional cigarette, if you don't make a habit of it, it probably won't kill the R for good. But each time makes it easier to do it again.
Nothing to do but apologize and move on. What you did didn't help you, but it is certainly forgiveable.
But don't do it again.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I read through your thread and about half of the posts. You are getting good advice from a lot of people.
However, there are two things that bother me, really bother me.
1. The degrading name you called your W. I know that you didn't mean to say that, but you did. Whatever would posess you to think that, much less say it? The woman that you asked to marry you, the woman that you love so much and are literally dying to get back, the woman who bore your children!! Do you have any idea what that did to your M? Some women can overlook the name and some cannot. You really hurt her...bad. Unless you know for a fact that she's sleeping all over town AND getting paid for it, you need to lose that piece out of your vocabulary. It's equivalent to calling an African-American the "N" word. You can apologize from here to eternity, but your W will never forgive you.
If you need to argue, use the issues only; never, ever, do you personally attack another person. Argue smart.
2. You and your W need to separate from each other for about three months. Yes, there are kids and your business that will keep you connected; but you both need to be in separate corners, now. You need to start listening to yourself and finding out what it is that you want. You need to lay off calling her or OM or even TM.
You are way out of control. You are pushing her out the door...
My main concern is that I'm not convinced that you even love her anymore. IMO, I feel that b/c she has the OM, you feel desparately ignored. Your "gloating" about how she's going to feel when you do this and that... really disturbs me. That's not misguided love, that is something more sinister. There's more to this case than you're letting us to believe...there's more to this story.
You need to get into some anger management classes; work closer with a Therapist. There is definitely more that you haven't told us.
IMO, honestly, I feel you are in love with the idea of love, that you love being married - but, none of it has anything to do with your W. The fear of being left behind paralyzes you to move forward. I really don't feel that you love her, it's as though you depend on her for your existence.
It also seems to me that when she leaves, you will go out of your way to make her life miserable. Conquer and destroy.
You really need to see a Therapist, to calm down b/c you are on a self-destruvtive course.
CM - my opinions are my own, they aren't stated to hurt you...only to help you.
There is a much darker side to you than you let on... I need to know what that is...
Hi! Yep, you went too far. Alcohol will always give anyone false gumption.
Let see, you know you set yourself back a few miles. Why? The alcohol, for one; but more importantly, it released some true feelings that you feel about yourself. It seems you feel less of a woman b/c H has or had an A. You seem to feel that maybe, if you were better in bed, you would win him back. Wrong - men can sleep with anyone and not exude any emotions towards the partner. We attach feelings before we proceed - a big difference.
Hopefully, you did blame it on the wine...but you also validated your desperate need to hang on. He'll sense that.
The only thing to do now is go dark. Don't compare yourself to the OW, don't call her names, it really lowers you into that pit of no return...always keep your dignity and always act like a lady.
His comment that she isn't like you...I LOL. I'll bet she is everything you "used to be". Retrace your steps to the level that you need to be at. All is not lost. Just don't ever do this again. The world doesn't need anymore people like "Mel Gibson!!!" LOL, LOL.
Quote: However, there are two things that bother me, really bother me.
1. The degrading name you called your W. I know that you didn't mean to say that, but you did. Whatever would posess you to think that, much less say it? The woman that you asked to marry you, the woman that you love so much and are literally dying to get back, the woman who bore your children!! Do you have any idea what that did to your M? Some women can overlook the name and some cannot. You really hurt her...bad. Unless you know for a fact that she's sleeping all over town AND getting paid for it, you need to lose that piece out of your vocabulary. It's equivalent to calling an African-American the "N" word. You can apologize from here to eternity, but your W will never forgive you.
I know she is sleeping with another man. She has admitted it as recently as today. I know that I called her that out of anger. She had just hurt me by saying that she hated me. And a few other choice words she had been calling me. It was one shot that I do regret and have apologized for. I don't know if it did any good but I had to apologize.
Quote: 2. You and your W need to separate from each other for about three months. Yes, there are kids and your business that will keep you connected; but you both need to be in separate corners, now. You need to start listening to yourself and finding out what it is that you want. You need to lay off calling her or OM or even TM.
We will have been separated 6 weeks as of this friday. She wants to go over D paperwork on Thurs. with me. Paperwork that she downloaded and supposedly already filled out. I don't call her anymore except for the kids. That's it...period. She will call me on occassion but very rarely. she called the kids while i was typing this and talked to our D. She then asked to talk to me and it was a lighthearted convo. Nothing but kid talk and dinner talk.
Quote: My main concern is that I'm not convinced that you even love her anymore. IMO, I feel that b/c she has the OM, you feel desparately ignored.
I do feel ignored. I have felt ignored for a while. It does hurt me. It does anger me that she gives her all to someone else and then tells me that she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me. I need to not even look her direction right now and look at me and my actions. Actions that I can change. I can call her names all I want or tell her ILY all I want, but my actions have to show it. The OM hurts. But I have to look past that. My wrongs were my wrongs in the past and I have to own up to those and find the better man in there somewhere. I'm slowly learning that he is just her drug of choice right now.
Quote: Your "gloating" about how she's going to feel when you do this and that... really disturbs me. That's not misguided love, that is something more sinister. There's more to this case than you're letting us to believe...there's more to this story.
Intially (as of last tuesday) I wanted her to see the error of her ways so bad. I know that this is about me right now, but something inside of me wanted to shake her. I see the pain on my D's face and feel the pain in my heart and I wanted her to know what we are going through. She wouldn't see or hear it, so I'm trying to move on to the best of my ability. Sinister?? NO....Hurt and Down??...YES Human?? Most definitely!!!
Quote: You need to get into some anger management classes; work closer with a Therapist. There is definitely more that you haven't told us.
i work with a T on a weekly basis. And the only thing that I haven't mentioned on this board was that I had cancer as a child and lost my right eye. Other than that I feel I have been completely honest. We are both recovering addicts. we met in treatment. I come from a laid back talk about everything family, she come from a conservative Baptist family. I'm willing to tell all if it helps me.
Quote: IMO, honestly, I feel you are in love with the idea of love, that you love being married - but, none of it has anything to do with your W.
I fell like it has everything to do with my W. When I first met her I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I do become attached easily, but I wasn't in any R with anyone for 3 years before I met her. I even told my parents 1 month after meeting her that I thought she was the one.
Quote: The fear of being left behind paralyzes you to move forward. I really don't feel that you love her, it's as though you depend on her for your existence.
I stated this in one of my posts. I am codependant. I went from one drug of choice (alcohol) to another. She is my addiction and that is something my C and I are working through. She is my drug of choice. I give it this analogy..: When I had to quit drinking and doing drugs I was giving up my best friend. I had to grieve that. If you were to have taken a bottle of vodka and put it in my hand and told me..."You need to hold this and look at it, sniff it, feel it, even pour it on your fingers.....but you can't taste it!" That would have been hard for me. That is the way I view this sitch. I'm losing my drug of choice...my W!
Quote: It also seems to me that when she leaves, you will go out of your way to make her life miserable. Conquer and destroy.
Last Tuesday....yes. Most certainly. Today. No. I see hope for us. D or no D. I am not ready to give up on this. I need to at least keep or start a friendship again b/c of our kids. I am feeling my true care and love for her a little at a time. To destroy her I would be destroying the best mother that I could ever ask for.
Quote: There is a much darker side to you than you let on... I need to know what that is...
I'm not sure. I'm impulsive. that has always gotten me in trouble. Especially with my words. I don't feel as if I'm Sinister or have a darker side. Your post has really made me look at me. I thank you for that. I'm seeing what I don't like about myself. My self-esteem is shot right now. I'm in a hole, but I just found the first rung of the ladder the other day and I'm working my way up. I'm not chasing my tail as fast as I was.
Please give me your take on my response and feel free to use my latest thread if you'd like.
Thank you 12102006!
M-35 going on 15 D-8 S- 3 yrs ex-CL(w)- 30
D over one year
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. Douglas Adams "Just Be"
Forgive me if I prodded you on any issues you don't want to discuss. You are free to withhold anything you don't want to let the public know.
Sorry for your eye...but that can be part of this as well. I know men feel threatened when the W has an A. It really rips the core of your manhood. But in retrospect, the WAW never means to hurt the S. I know it seems redundant.
However, you seem to be in a better place tonight. That is good news...don't worry about your self-esteem right now. Sometimes, when we get real low, we do our best thinking. You need time to feel your thoughts.
Before, you said that you are an emotional man...there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't go overboard. Feel you, find out what pushes your buttons and find ways to overcome those fears.
You want to work on the R, but first you need to be whole within yourself. What is the worse scenario? Will you die? No. Will it be scarey? Yes.
Btw, Stephen Hawkins, the great scientist, who happens to be a quadraplegic, up in the years; just filled for divorce from his wife. Physicalities have no bearing on what you carry around in your heart. Don't let that ever hold you back...ever. Do you hear me?
Before I was married, I dated a guy who was a neurological nurse. He dumped me for a beautiful blonde girl, who was permanetly in a wheelchair since she was 16 yrs. old. She had broken her spine. I was upset to say the least, but she wanted to meet me and we met. He later married her and I was so happy for both of them. Especially him, it took a lot of time to take her back and forth to the hospital, etc. They truly were meant for each other. The girl was the sweetest person that I have ever met.
Getting back to you - if you can keep your head together and give your W space, she'll see what she is missing. But this change will take a long time. Be patient, be upbeat, don't dwell on what she's doing, don't dwell on Om.
Work on you, bond closely with your kids. Let your mind have a couple of days off - it's working overtime. This will help you collect your thoughts.
Just dive into any pity pools. See what happens Thursday, papers mean nothing until they are filed. She may not even bring them over.
Get some rest and don't keep beating yourself up...
