Sorry, but I have to interject here...there's a big pattern that most of you (us) fall into:
1. You cannot leave the S alone 2. You constantly want to connect with S 3. You constantly get depressed, cry, do silly things 4. Focus always on the S, or OP 5. You snoop 6. You don't try to help yourselves with Michele's tools like DB or DR 7. You all say that you know what to do or not do, but continue along the same paths 8. Hello! - The WAS gave us the signals way before they went to the OP - we ignored it 9. You (us) want instant results of change in the sitches 10. Unless WE CHANGE - there will be no change
Consider an obese person, not withstanding any medical problems, it took a long time for them to become obese. Well, think about it, it's going to take a long time to correct the issues. Not over night, not next weekend, etc. It's a process over time... The OP is not the issue, we all know that, it is or was us. We did not concern ourselves with our S's. Day to day life erroded our R; children, work, finances, illness, etc. all or some help create this problem. Now, it's time to work on you (us) and get back to being the people we were when we first got married. That caring independent, loving, fun, considerate person we are. It amazes me how many people post how the OM/OW is to blame and the profanity used in regards to them. Guess what? Your S's married you, what makes you think that the OP is not like you as well? Come on people, we caused the discontent in the marriages, with the help of our S's, that made the OP more viable to be around. Now, we need to go back to being that person.
Does it hurt? You bet. Will I feel any better? Probably not for a while. But, if you change yourself, the S will notice, just as Michele said. If they don't, then wish them well and move on.
Too many of you are dancing so fast around your S you are getting dizzy. Stop it. Little by little, the S will notice changes, that are consistent within you. They will notice more and more...but there is no other way to do this. Nothing else works. They have to come back b/c they choose to, not b/c of threats, begging, pleading, crying or anyother reason.
This is just my 2 cents, guys. Sorry I ranted on and on, but it is so sad to see some people not trying. Some try but backslide, that will happen, as long as you correct it the next time and learn from it.
For you men, don't let your W see you cry, beg, plead, etc. It only shows you to be weak and less of a man. It only makes the OM more powerful; we know you're upset. Bear this out..it can change. No woman wants a wuss for a husband. Show that you are confident, strong and that this doesn't even bother you (although it does). Act as if, she stays or she goes, you'll still survive.
All of us survived long before we met our S's. All of us were completely whole before we got married...if it should not work out, and you really tried hard, as in doing it Michele's way...then you are still a whole person - life will go on...
