Did I totally hose it up?

[toughlover]

he tells people he is thinking of coming home, but he doesn't tell me. He says he is scared things will go back to the way they were before I kicked him out...

Before I say this, please understand that I think your H is 100% wrong to be doing what he's doing. Everything you feel is 100% normal.

Now, I don't know how they were before, but it sounds like from his perspective he's got a reason to be concerned. Between the confrontations and the other emotional stuff you're dishing out, do you really think that's something he would want MORE of? In his mind, he'd just be coming home to boatloads of punishment.

Is there any way you can show him what kind of marriage he COULD to come home to, without feeling like you were excusing what he's done?

I guess what I mean is, my W was unfaithful, and she did choose to commit to the marriage based on her recommitment to Christ alone, but what made her decide to do that was that she saw it was possible to have the kind of marriage she wanted without me putting her through the ringer over it. In other words, I had to show her that I could get over it if she were willing to do what's right as well.