I'm wondering if it's worth it to stay anymore. I don't know if this is a low point that I'll come back from or if I'm just hitting rock bottom and am ready to get out. But I can't talk about this with people IRL - I don't want to start on another roller coaster with my friends and family, just want to come to terms with this and then tell them what I'm doing.
But anyway...we went to MC for the first time on the 27th. During the session, we talked about the problems that have been in our R since before the A, the A itself, and what we're currently dealing with. The counselor asked H is he was going to stop talking to OW while he works on himself and our M, and he said he couldn't say either way. She asked that I not press him, but give him a few days to think about it and asked him to let me know what he was going to do about OW. She did say that she won't do any more MC with us though, because H, in her words, has so many individual issues to work through that we can't even discuss the M right now. She said we were sitting on a tinder box and it was all going to go up in flames if we didn't just step back from it. She said MC is a long time in the future, if we do it at all. My heart was absolutely shattered hearing that - because I instantly thought that if we weren't working on it right.now, that it would all just fall apart. [Edited to add: I knew intellectually that this was not the right approach, but it didn't stop the panicky feeling. I remained as calm as I could, but it was so hard.] I tried to remain upbeat during the weekend, but had a hard time with this.
On the way home from our trip on Sunday, H told me he wanted to talk about OW. He said that the further away from her he got, the less he missed her and the more he questioned his feelings for her. He said he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, and actually was getting a little disturbed by the way she continued to post blogs about me and about him on her website.
Since then, he's maintained that he hasn't spoken to her, he deletes her emails without responding, and he removed her phone number from his phone so he couldn't call her. Yesterday I received the phone bill from our cell company and I see that he was talking to her all the way up to the end of the month. After our discussion. After he had told me that she appeared mentally unstable and he didn't want to talk to her anymore. I just felt gutted.
I KNOW she's not the issue - our M is going to make it if it's meant to be, regardless of who's in the background. But he lied to me again. When I asked him about it, he told me he was going to be "his own man" and wasn't going to be henpecked. That he wanted to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. I told him it sounded like he wasn't ready to be with me again - he sounded like he wanted to be single. He just responded that he wasn't going anywhere - he put too much work in the house to walk away from it. (I guess our M isn't enough of a reason to stay since he didn't mention it.)
Basically, where things stand now:
1. He wants to continue talking to OW, and it appears he wants my blessing. He says they're "just friends" and that they only talk twice a week. I know that's not true - they talk every day. I also know that she still tells him she's waiting for him to come back and that she loves him. He claims to not say it back, but well, what can I believe at this point? He also told me that all the stuff he told me about believing she was mentally unstable, that he didn't want to talk to her, etc. was all a lie.
2. He's also talking to another woman who he met online. Never actually slept with her, but that's what she wants. Says they're just talking like friends, nothing to worry about.
3. I told him I felt like I had no pride left if I stayed while he's talking to these women. He said, "I know, and it sickens me." I asked him if he thought my holding one was pathetic and he said yes. Later he claimed that he was just upset when he said these things, and he didn't mean them. I really think he does.
I feel like I have no self-respect if I stay as things currently are. To live with me, sleep in the same bed as me, while he's talking to these women is just too much. I don't know if I'm the kind of person who can DB. Maybe I'm not strong enough. I don't want this M to end, but I can't see a way out. He says he loves me and wants things to work out, but he told me flat out that he's not going to do anything to regain my trust - I just have to learn to trust him again. How can I do that in the face of yet another set of lies?? Am I just fooling myself by staying?
