Yeah, Tom, I'm finding that my need to fix everything all at once is going to be my downfall and I need to knock.it.off.

Hubby came home on Friday and we had a fabulous weekend - so fabulous that I played hooky on Monday and we stayed home together. Yeah, the honeymoon period is wonderful. Tuesday night we had a bit of a disconnect. We went to see my IC Tuesday afternoon so that she could get a bigger idea of what's going on in our marriage and so we could get a recommendation on a MC. It was a really good session - H did most of the talking. At one point, IC asked him if he would be contacting OW and he said he would not. She asked if he had removed her number from his phone and he said no, but took it out and did it then. We went out to dinner after the appointment and had a really nice night. When we got home, he told me he needed to let her know he wouldn't be contacting her anymore - he composed an email to her, asked me to look it over, and sent it off. Awesome. Except afterwards, he felt terrible. He started getting pretty depressed and began lashing out at me. I stayed calm, but I was just dying inside when he told me he wasn't sure he really did love me or wanted to be with me, and that he may have been just telling my IC what she wanted to hear WRT our marriage. Ouch. Just before bed, he apologized and told me not to pay attention to him, he didn't meant what he had said but was just feeling guilty about having to hurt OW, and yesterday morning he was fine.

Unfortunately yesterday evening was my turn to have a meltdown. Thinking about the women H has been with and the reasons why he was unhappy with our SL just kind of got to me. I didn't want to start a fight so I didn't say anything to H, just tried to act normally and work around the house. He noticed I was quiet and kept pushing at me, so finally I gave in and told him what was bothering me. I guess I was expecting a sympathetic response - reassurances - but I didn't get them at all. I was unable to keep from crying, so I just had to walk away for awhile. Once we had both calmed down, we held each other and he gave me those reassurances that I needed, but I hated that I had ruined our evening.

So this morning I told H that I wasn't sure if we should talk about these issues outside of MC, at least until we've learned a better communication style. He agreed. I'm just so focused on fixing everything now now now that I'm not being patient and just allowing us to reconnect. H confessed to me this morning that he felt like we were back where we started before he left in the first place and I just smacked myself on the head. What is the freakin' rush anyway? I think part of it is I know OW is still in the background. I want things to be better between H and me so I don't feel so threatened about her being there. I know she's not the real issue, but I feel like she's a distraction. One we don't need right now.

H called and set up our first MC appointment tomorrow. I'm worried that deep down, this is just H's way of getting away with less guilt - he confessed to me a couple of years ago that the first time we went to counseling, about a year before we got married, he did so because he wanted to break up with me in a supportive atmosphere. I can't shake the feeling that that's what he's got in mind for these "MC" sessions as well. I guess my trust is way more broken than I thought.

...praying for strength...